The Girls Next Door
Letting Go of Unhealthy Friendships

Photo Illustration by Lauren Phillips | VOX Staff

By Mariah Thompson
VOX Staff

You shouldn’t be so attached to your friends, Mariah,” my mom used to tell me. “Relationships change as you get older.” There were times when I didn’t fully understand what she meant, and her comments got under my skin. But it didn’t take long before I learned that friendships come and go, and that my identity doesn’t have to be intertwined with my friends’.

I learned all that the hard way, even though I had the strongest personality among my best friends at the time — Adria* and Gina*. My mom probably noticed that I was too trusting and dependent on others. The truth is that I was very insecure and felt I needed Adria and Gina’s friendship to feel important. I took on the bad habit of wanting them to go with me everywhere I went, and I stopped doing things by myself. What I didn’t realize is that I was handicapping myself by being so needy.

To my friends, I was such a confident person. I don’t think they realized how much I needed them just so I could feel validated. I guess since I put up a front and carried myself with self-assurance, Adria and Gina became envious of me — especially because of my family life. The fact that I lived in a home with both of my birth parents made them grind their teeth. Gina was raised by an abusive mother, and Adria lived with her mother and stepfather. Whenever we had even a small argument, Gina would throw harsh words about my home life into my face. “At least your dad is around; mine isn’t. That’s why you’re so spoiled,” Gina would mock me menacingly. Her words always made me feel small, and later, I would feel bad about whatever I said or did.

Gina and Adria were also disrespectful toward me. They often made rude comments about my body and braces, leaving me to feel like I was nothing without their friendship. These were the friends I thought I could count on. But two years ago when I realized they were treating me so meanly, I decided to let them go.

The Powerpuff Girls
I met Adria and Gina during the summer before we entered fifth grade. I had just moved into their neighborhood and changed schools. At 10 years old I already knew school children were cruel and that I would need backup, so I was obviously in need of new friends. Maybe that’s why I was so determined to impress anyone I met. On that hot summer day in 2002, I was outside looking for something to do when I spotted Adria across the street. I went over and made small talk. During our conversation, we spotted Gina nearby and walked over to introduce ourselves. We discovered that we had things in common, especially a like for writing. From then on, we were inseparable. We wore matching outfits, had weekly sleepovers and everyone called us “The Powerpuff Girls” because we were a tight trio, kind of like sisters. I just knew we would always be the best of friends because we spent so much time together.

Gina was a boyish-looking girl who always wore T-shirts with basketball shorts and pulled-back hair in a short ponytail. Adria seemed quiet and looked nerdy with a huge pair of glasses that almost covered her face. She seemed like she was shy and lacking confidence. But first impressions aren’t everything because Gina turned out to be wild and promiscuous, and Adria was an instigating troublemaker. Among us, I took on the role of queen bee — not in a b!#chy way, though. It’s just that I was the leader of our group, and I protected those in my hive. When other kids in our neighborhood tried to pick fights with Gina and Adria, I stood up for them. I also made most of the decisions when we were out together.

Before I knew it, we were 13 years old and growing up. Adria’s awkward glasses were replaced by contacts, and she was sporting the latest pair of sneakers. Gina changed too, and her look was more drastic. She traded those big T-shirts and basketball shorts for fitted tops and tight jeans. I wore nothing but the best brand-named outfits — Baby Phat, Rocawear and JLo. We looked good, and our attitudes changed right along with our looks. Adria became the cool girl everyone wanted to figure out. Gina loved guys and became very flirty. I exuded confidence. I was the girl everyone loved to hate.

Things Fall Apart
At the beginning of seventh grade, Gina and I attended a chorus concert together. Midway through the concert, Gina disappeared and left me by myself. It wasn’t until after the concert that I realized she was gone. I stood outside the theater in the cold, waiting, assured that she would walk out of the door at any minute, but she never came. Feeling scared and confused, I called my mom to pick me up. When I got home, I called Gina.

“Hey, I was worried about you,” I told her. “What happened to you tonight?” “Something came up,” she replied nonchalantly. “Don’t act like such a baby.” Like a raging fire, her response had left me burning and infuriated, but I didn’t want to fight, so I hung up. How could my best friend do this to me? I wondered. I was so hurt.

I turned to Adria for comfort and support. After telling her what had happened, she responded, “Gina is such a slut. She was probably with some boy!” That comment made me look at Adria differently. If she talked about Gina so easily behind her back, she most likely talked behind mine too. At that moment, I felt our bond loosen.

Three months later, both of them did something that put the icing on the cake. We had planned to see a movie together, but for some reason, I ended up not going. While at the movies, they called me to tell me details of all the fun they were having — obviously to make me feel guilty for not going. They told me they were smoking weed and hanging out with the boys who had given it to them. Now, I wanted to have fun with my best friends, but I was glad I didn’t go because smoking weed is not my idea of having a good time. Still, I felt sour knowing they shared a bond and memory I wasn’t a part of, and that’s exactly what I didn’t want to happen. I wondered how many times they had hung out before or if they would hang out again without inviting me because I wouldn’t understand or because I was too lame.

The Turning Point
After that night, my fears came true and exactly what I thought would happen, happened. Adria and Gina started to spend more time together. All of a sudden, they were doing things together that the three of us used to do. They took pictures, had sleepovers at each other’s houses, dressed alike and went to the movies. At first they tried to hide it, but they eventually stopped caring about what I thought. During this time, I started to spend more time reflecting on myself, picking up on homework and relationships that I had neglected in the past. Still, I wanted to win back their love and acceptance.

But soon we had a big argument over something so stupid I can’t even remember. They thought I was arrogant and uppity and accused me of trying to use them as my flunkies. Maybe I was bossy, but my intentions were not to walk over them. They always complained that I was getting more recognition at school and more attention when we were together. I often tried to dull myself down by dressing sloppier and not talking as much so they wouldn’t get mad or offended, but it didn’t help. They were jealous, and there was nothing I could do to change that.

Adria, Gina and I fought a lot, and it was always them against me. Gina always tried to put me down, and Adria tried to exclude me from our group. Most of our fights blew over, except for one time when Gina and I got into a physical fight. This is when I knew it had gone too far. It was no surprise that Adria turned her back on me too. That was definitely the end of our friendship. I realized that I had spent too much time and energy on them, and they didn’t even care about me. How had I not seen it before? The signs were always there — the jealousy and disrespect. The same girls I laughed and cried with and told my deepest secrets to were now my archenemies.

A New, Improved Me
Today I am independent and reassured. I appreciate and accept myself as a person. I am no longer needy and so afraid of losing my friends that I let them disrespect me. The girl who once wondered how her best friends could hurt her now understands that everything happens for a reason, and losing those relationships was all for the best. I don’t need to feel validated by being a part of a group or clique anymore. Now I know what good friends look like. They are supportive, encouraging and always there, like my best friend Gabrielle. Even though our relationship isn’t perfect (none are), the problems we have are not even close to those I faced with Adria and Gina.

To some extent, my experience with my former best friends did alter my approach to relationships. I find myself not being as friendly, welcoming or trusting as I used to be. But these are problems I am trying to work on. Sometimes I see Adria and Gina, but we still aren’t on speaking terms. They have tried to patch things up once or twice, but I haven’t been willing to enter another fake relationship with the backstabbing duo. Hey, they’ve got each other.

Mariah is a sophomore at Forest Park High who loves cookie dough ice cream.

*Names changed.