Jesus Rocks!

Illustration by Felicia Lankford / VOX Staff

How I Found My Faith Through Music

By Jennifer Starck / VOX Staff

“Your grace found me just as I am/Empty handed but alive in Your hands,” I sang along to the lyrics to the Delirious song, “Majesty (Here I Am),” as the house band played. I rocked my body back and forth to the music, letting the moment wash over me, afraid to close my eyes because of the deep emotions I knew would come. Still, I couldn’t hold back the tears that welled up. It was as though I knew for the first time that everything in my life would be OK— that despite the jumble of pain and confusion I’ve felt for so long, I’d finally found an answer.

In some ways, it was hard to believe I was there, actually in a Christian church — but I was. And I don’t think I was the only one there who felt that way. I was standing in a mass of young people, most of them I barely knew, some who looked like me, some who didn’t. My best friend, Gabi, was to my left, and on my right was some guy with his hands raised to the heavens. I felt connected to both of them, thanks to my newfound faith.

Worshipping at CORE Youth Ministries, the student branch of Mount Paran North Church of God in Marietta, marked a 180-degree turnabout for me. Previously, I had been looking for answers in the wrong places. I went as far as calling myself a Satanist — a fact that’s not so hard to believe when I tell you that I’ve long been a follower of Goth culture.

In my opinion, Satanism and Goth life are linked, even if it’s just in their outward appearances — the black clothing and pagan symbols that Goth kids wear come directly from dark influences. However, Satanism isn’t the worship of the Devil, as most assume. It’s the ultimate religion of selfishness. It celebrates your decision to be any way you want without having to worry about what others think. Since I didn’t seem to fit in well with the people at my private school and since I was so different and into Goth, Satanism appealed to me.

But at CORE Student Ministries that night, none of that need to be a rebel existed. It hit me that I could be whoever I wanted to be, that Christ and God would love me for who I am — and that they already did. I suppose that’s why I was never really into organized religion to begin with. I thought I’d have to give up myself, my love of music and everything I stood for to be happy. But it turned out that I was completely wrong about that.

Led Into Temptation
Originally, I had gotten into Satanism because of a book written by one of my Goth idols, Marilyn Manson. His autobiography “The Long Hard Road Out of Hell,” explains his take on Satanism and his worship of Anton LaVey, The Black Pope, the creator of the religion. What Manson liked about Satanism is that you can worship yourself as your own god and believe only in what you feel is right.

After reading this, I started researching Satanism on the ’Net, picked up some of the basic beliefs from various Web sites, and then wound up going out and buying “The Satanic Bible.” I read it cover to cover, and decided to start calling myself a Satanist. I never went to any sort of religious service or Black Mass, but reading “The Satanic Bible and trying to follow its rules was enough for me. To be honest, half of what I liked about Satanism was just being able to carry around a little black book and look cool.

However, I must admit, not all of Satanism appealed to me. One of the cardinal laws of Satanism is: “If thou shalt smite thee on the cheek, smash him on the other.” This just doesn’t go along with my personal stance against physical violence. I also believed that many people used Satanism as an excuse to take their anger out on the people they didn’t like, and use it as a means to justify things normal people wouldn’t do.

As time went on, the more I began to realize that Satanism wasn’t a good thing. It’s not just creepy — it’s a dark, twisted and perverted way to look at the world. Satanism calls for complete isolation from those who you deem unworthy of your attention. It calls for arrogance and disrespect of everyone around you.

As my teenaged Goth angst diminished as I grew older and wiser, Satanism lost most of its allure. Not only did it not help me get the things I want in life, it actually stifled my individuality, just as I had feared becoming a devout Christian would.

Finding Christianity
It was at this point in my life, just only months ago, that I found myself open to finding a replacement for my failed interest in Satanism. My friend Gabi put the suggestion into my head. “Hey, you should go to youth group with me this Wednesday,” she said one random day. And I went with her, though I expected the worst. It turned out to be a heart-expanding experience. The teens I met at CORE Youth Ministries were warm and loving, and they all gave me hugs when I was introduced as a visitor. They struck up conversations with me and were curious about why I had decided to come.

And then I met Loyd, the youth minister. He struck me as being calm and laid-back, but somehow also authoritative in the best sense of that word. He was short and dressed casually in a button-down, mustard yellow shirt and jeans, but despite his normal appearance there was something positively celestial about him.

The moment Loyd started talking, everyone fell silent, and I can still remember to this day the first thing I ever heard him say as he distributed communion: “Taste the Lord, for He is good.” After the service, I decided to introduce myself to him and tell him about how I was new to this whole Christian thing. We talked quite a bit and he almost single-handedly changed my mind on what it meant to be a Christian. This wasn’t a pastor to be afraid of; he was totally cool — a fact that was confirmed the day I saw him moshing and spin kicking with the best of them at a Christian rock concert.

After that, Loyd became my mentor in all things Christian, and I never hesitate to call and ask him if I have a question. I even started calling him my second father.

Loyd wasn’t the only one at CORE Ministries who knew how to rock. Even though they may look like conservative Christians, they still listen to the same Goth and hard rock that I do — the Metallicas and My Chemical Romances and AFIs. And even better, they also create their own music that combines uplifting Christian lyrics with deafening guitars and drums. As my friend Caleb Hurst put it: “I don’t know how to sing, and I don’t know how to play guitar, but I do know how to pray to do these things and anything else better. It’s not my voice, or my skill — it’s all for Him. By myself, I am an empty shell, only through God have I ever accomplished anything.”

It was after I experienced such positive forces that I decided to give this whole Christianity thing a whirl. I never realized that religion didn’t have to be a thing that would limit or confine my identity. As I’ve delved deeper into faith, I have discovered more about myself than I had ever known I could. In God, I have found the support and strength I needed but didn’t know where to find. Whenever I pray, I feel God’s arms around me and His whispers in my ear, and He assures me that everything will be OK.

These days, I don’t even take a second look at Satanic bands and imagery, even though I still consider myself a Goth. I believe it’s a sin against God to celebrate in such dark thinking, and doing so would prevent me from showing how much I love Him.

To come from Satanism to Christianity has not been an easy path. While I’ve found a place where I now belong, as a new believer I still have a lot of hurdles to overcome. I have a lot to learn about myself and my relationship with God and Christ, as well as what my purpose is as a Christian in this world. But despite this struggle, it’s much better than being into Satanism, which was holding me back and keeping me stuck, alone, in a dark place.

Since I’ve become a Christian, everything in my life has become so much more beautiful and bright. In God, I’ve found the Father I never grew up with, and the extra guidance I need to get me through those days when everything seems to be falling to pieces. I’ve also gained some amazing new friends and family, who love me unconditionally despite how dysfunctional I am sometimes. And that’s more than I could ever ask for.

Jennifer, 18, attends Counterpane Montessori.