Not All Guys Want Just Sex

Photo illustration by Reuben Buchanan / VOX Staff

By Reuben Buchanan / VOX Staff

“Does he just want me for sex?” “How long will this relationship last?” “Is he cheating on me?” “Do you think I’m really what he wants in a girlfriend?” These are all questions that I have overheard girls asking other girls for advice concerning their boyfriends. They almost all believe the stereotype that we guys are the ones least interested in a long-term commitment or anything beyond a casual relationship. I believe this not only to be false, but in some cases exactly the opposite — sometimes guys are the ones who want the relationship to last and grow.

Making a relationship work is no easy task. It is true that many guys aren’t looking for “the one” we will spend the rest of our lives with, but I believe most of us really want something more than sex. In fact, most of my guy friends are actually looking for a girl they can be in a steady relationship with and maybe even grow to love.

Casually going out with a bunch of girls takes a lot of work, or so I’m told — that’s just not me. And so does looking for the right girl to have a lasting relationship with. Having a steady, trusting relationship can take a lot of the stress out of our already busy lives because we don’t have to worry about who we’re going to focus our attention on next — or even if we’ll ever find someone to date — because we know that we have a girl who we’re committed to and who is also committed to us.

Most girls I know believe that all guys want that “one thing,” and once we get it we’ll end the relationship. Meanwhile, most of us guys believe that girls have a tendency to take relationships way too seriously and should lighten up so that all parties involved can enjoy themselves more. But these are only the broad stereotypes. Sometimes they’re true; sometimes they’re not. The reality is that what each guy and girl wants in a relationship is unique and complicated.

In my personal dating history, I can attest to the fact that I have found true love only once and it was the girl, not me, who ended the relationship for what seemed like no apparent reason. I wanted to continue dating her, but she was dealing with complex issues of her own that only time could solve. Fortunately we were able to settle our differences and get back together.

But to be completely honest, many guys I know are shallow and embrace the stereotype that they’re playas. They do immature things like choose a girl based solely on her looks, dump her after she consents to having sex and even cheat when they want to hedge their bets. This doesn’t mean that all guys are this way, but those that do give us “good guys” a bad name. Another thing that busts the stereotype but is commonly overlooked is that some girls are playas, too, and they’re capable of doing just as much harm to get what they want.

Both us guys and girls are always going to run into someone who does not want the same things that we want. So it is important to realize that guys and girls alike can be as equally foul and self-centered or fair and selfless when it comes to relationships. Deep down I believe that guys and girls want someone who they can talk to, confide in, trust, love and have fun with all at the same time in a relationship.

The real problem is not that one gender is better than the other in being committed to having a successful relationship, it’s that we’re not mature enough to know what we want in our lives. For that reason, I believe that teenage romance should initially be about having fun and getting to know someone in the hopes it will help us discover what’s important to us. I don’t think we should get into relationships expecting them to last forever. After all, if we can’t compare and contrast from a number of different dating experiences, we’ll never learn what we want in each other, and how to be better partners.

Reuben is a junior at Tri-Cities.