February Horoscopes

Art by Reuben Buchanan

By Octavia Fugerson
VOX Staff

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
This month you will get hit in the head by a flying homework assignment. You will also receive detention for eating the teacher’s grading book, butstill make the honor roll.
 
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Beware! Your younger sibling will steal your favorite outfit and try to sell it for ice cream money.
 
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Your ex will get over you after realizing you never really loved her. Watch your back at all times on Valentine’s Day because she will play the biggest prank on you, ever!

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Your computer will break down and be inaccessible for five months. No MySpace or Facebook for you. You will pass all of your tests because you use the free time to study.
 
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22)
You will escort Britney Spears back to rehab, where you and she will receive couples counseling from Dr. Phil.
 
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)
Don’t let the peer pressure influence you. You will drop that negative friend and become president … of the world!

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
Your secret admirer will be a gorilla, and he will send you a basket of bananas soon.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)
You will be in a Tyler Perry movie, filling in as Madea’s stunt double.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
You will win a million dollars and lose it all to taxes.
 
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Hilary Clinton will visit your school and throw a pizza party for anyone who votes for her — all the teachers, you and those few students who have been seniors for the last 5 years.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
The dream you had the other night was a sign. You shall be free from stressing over your heavy workload.
 
Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20)
You will win a contest and meet Cool Dude in the near future.

—Octavia Fugerson/VOX Staff