Shades of Gray: Interracial Dating

Illustration by Ariana Kendricks| VOX Staff

By Lauren Phillips
VOX Staff

Interracial relationships are nothing but familiar to me. Growing up, my parents always taught me the importance of not judging people by anything but personalities, to see in gray. Race was never important to them. This could be, quite possibly, because my mother is a result of an interracial relationship. Her mother, my grandmother, is Korean, and my grandfather, her father, was white. Growing up in such an accepting environment I too have ventured outside of the racial guidelines set by society.

Dating outside my race is not an attempt to stick it to the man, as many stereotypes may suggest. It’s a personal decision to date purely based on my opinions, to follow my heart. When I looked at my ex-boyfriend, I didn’t see color, I saw a person that was there for me when no one else was.

The Parents
Interracial relationships aren’t nearly as common in his family, and his parents were not comfortable with our so-called situation. I don’t want to say they were against our relationship, but I never felt any warmth when they spoke to me. In the year that we were together, I held very few conversations with either of his parents and they were usually uncomfortable.

With his mom it was always, “Hi Mrs. B. How are you?” She’d answer and politely ask me how I was in return. Then came the awkward silence — a time I would dread but could always count on, that infamous silence that seemed to last forever before tapering off into “OK (another awkward pause), well, it was nice seeing you.”

Moments with his father weren’t any better. For a man known for his gift of gab, he certainly never had a lot to say around me, or should I say to me. I don’t want to pass judgment on them—I hardly knew them—but it was dreadfully obvious that they didn’t completely approve of their son’s choice to date me, My ex-boyfriend was the only one who didn’t see it. His favorite excuse: “They do too like you. They say you’re pretty all the time.” It may just be me but the last time I checked, that has absolutely nothing to do with whether a person likes you.

Search for Approval
Maybe it’s because I grew up in such an open environment that their disapproval hurt so much. It was awful knowing that I was looked down upon and that there was absolutely no way I could change their minds. I tried countless times to kill them with kindness or show them that I’m not an absolutely horrid person, but they never seemed to get the message.

My mother had countless casual conversations with my ex and a good bit of inside jokes with him as well. I almost envied their relationship. All I wanted was for his parents to accept me the way mine accepted him, but no such luck.

Not all my relatives are understanding. One time I remember very well, my family went up to Tennessee to visit my aunts and uncles on my stepfather’s side for the Forth of July. My cousin Alex, my two younger sisters and I were sitting in the living room playing video games. It was one of those stupid games where you got to choose what you character looked like, like virtual Barbies. My little sister jokingly told me that one character oddly looked like my then-boyfriend. He actually did, and we shared a giggle. But not even two seconds later, my cousin, who is my age, belted out “Eww! You date black people?” I think that was the last time he will ever say anything like that to me again.

That instant hit me very hard. I had experienced racism before but not so close to home. The anger I felt was crippling, and I had the sudden urge to cry. Had my mother heard what my cousin said, there would have been even stronger words than my rant. My parents would never approve of talk like that.

Facing Stereotypes
Our society has become more and more accepting of interracial relationships, especially since the 1967 legalization of interracial marriages, but the issue is a long way from being solved. Stereotypes surround interracial couples and are sometimes overbearing. Whether it’s the more common stereotypes like “white women are trophies to black men” and “black women marry white men for social acceptance” or the unflattering “white women who date black men are trashy” and “black women who date white men act white,” these stereotypes are hurtful and feed the monster of racism.

These stereotypes still anger me, not only as a citizen of humanity but as a person who has been hurt numerous time because of racial slurs and ignorant opinions. My ex-boyfriend and I endured countless looks of disproval and felt our share of peer pressure.

When people looked at us they didn’t see a young couple in love but a white girl and a black boy. It seemed as though we spent most the early part of our relationship fighting stereotypes. I was always paranoid about how strangers perceived me, even though I never looked the part of the trashy white girl.

After a while I came to accept that not everyone is going to approve of my choices. The beauty of it was that they were my choices, not theirs. I found the best way to fight stereotypes is to just ignore them. I was in a wonderful relationship, and I can’t help but think about how much I would have missed out on if I had listened to the narrow-minded opinions of people who don’t have anything better to do with their lives than pass judgment on others.

Lauren is a senior at Tri-Cities.