Extra! Extra!

Once again, I, VOX’s intrepid news commentator, am here to dish out the dirt and speak the truth about some of the most important national happenings of recent weeks.

• In case you missed it, Britney Spears shaved her head. And got a tattoo. And possibly a piercing. All after getting out of drug rehab. Or was she on her way to rehab? I can’t keep straight all the things this train-wreck of a fading pop star does. The only thing more inane the press could be infatuated with is ongoing coverage of the legal decision on who gets to bury a past-her-prime-ditzy-whacked-out-on-drugs model who got a ton of money for marrying a dirty old rich man and then unsurprisingly died of an overdose. Wait a minute ...

• Former professional basketball player John Amaechi recently released a book titled “Man in the Middle.” Now, normally an athlete’s book would not be cause for shock and awe, except that in this case Amaechi used it as his way of coming out. Yes, he’s one of only a few former pro sports players who have had the courage to reveal they are gay, but that’s not why we’re talking about the issue. Amaechi’s book became big news when fellow former NBA player Tim Hardaway spouted angry words against gays when asked how he’d act if he found out a player on his team was gay. “You know, I hate gay people,” Hardaway told Miami Herald columnist Dan Le Batard. “I am homophobic. It shouldn’t be in the world or in the United States.” Not only did Hardaway embarrass himself for his ineloquence, but he pried open the proverbial can of worms on the sports world. Unfortunately, it’s probably true that many pro athletes think the same as Hardaway, but would never have said it out loud and on the record.

• Tickets went on sale for the Bonnaroo music festival that takes place every summer in the Middle of Nowhere, Tenn., and this year my family and I are going. This really isn’t news; it’s just me gloating, especially since I’ll get to see one of the greatest white reggae-rock groups of all time, The Police (led by Sting). They reunited at The Grammy’s and announced plans for a world tour — their first since their break-up in the early 1980s. While the band is headlining the four-day festival, many other cool musical acts will be there, too, including The White Stripes, Ben Harper, Franz Ferdinand, The Roots and Rodrigo y Gabriela.

• U.S. Congress passed a bill that essentially equates to a vote of no confidence about the war in Iraq. This matters because it shows that Democrats aren’t alone in their belief that sending more troops to Iraq isn’t the answer — several Republicans crossed partisan lines to join them. Don’t get excited (you can get sad, though) about this bill; it doesn’t have any power whatsoever. None. Nada. It’s just telling President George W. Bush and his administration that Congress doesn’t like their war, and there’s nothing but removing U.S. troops from the situation that can appease them. On behalf of President Bush, I respond thusly: “I like our war, and we’re going to continue to be at war, and you and your little vote can’t do anything about it! Hardy har har!” Or at least that’s what I imagined he said.

• North Korea has halted its nuclear program, which is absolutely awesome. If it’s really true, that is. It means that all the Cold War-style tensions that were building between the United States and North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il have been defused for a while. And just in time, because Cold War-style nuclear tensions are building with another member of the infamous Axis of Evil, Iran. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad continues to flaunt his nuclear program as the United Nations’ deadline for halting it flies on by. I would make a joke, but there’s nothing funny about nuclear Armageddon. This is not some post-apocalyptic video game that we’re playing here. We all only have one life, with no reset buttons. If we push the wrong buttons here, it will be game over, man. Game over.

• A major set of thunderstorms ripped through the southeast, and at least 20 people were killed by tornados. In Enterprise, Ala. an entire high school collapsed and killed eight teenagers and injured many more. The storm extended up north, and caused many blizzards that closed roads and caused schools to be closed. It’s not exactly a result of global warming, but it just goes to show that Al Gore is right — Mother Earth is a powerful force and we have to treat her nicely so that she doesn’t unleash worse calamities on us.

By Barry Langer | VOX Staff