Horoscopes

ARIES (3/21 to 4/19): This month you fulfill your life-long dream of having a pasta dish (yes, a pasta dish) named after you. Unfortunately, your name will be forever synonymous with mustard-marinated microwaved chicken served over a bed of peanut-butter fettuccine slathered with ketchup.

TAURUS (4/20 to 5/20): You know how your mom keeps telling you to clean under your bed? Well, you should really listen to her. There’s something living under there and it just winked at me. Don’t worry about why I’m looking under your bed.

GEMINI (5/21 to 6/21): This month you decide you’re going to bring back the phrase, “Awesome to the Maxx.” You manage to inject the saying into nearly every sentence you use. (For example, “That lunch-line chicken was so NOT awesome to the maxx.”) Sadly, the phrase never catches on, because what you failed to realize was that it was never a cool phrase to begin with.

CANCER (6/22 to 7/22): You fall down the stairs, break your big toe, get attacked by rabid chipmunks and go prematurely gray. You also find out that Nicole Richie is your long lost sister. Sorry, but the cosmos just don’t seem to be liking you much right now.

LEO (7/23 to 8/22): More of a warning than a horoscope: Be on the lookout for tourists, pigeons, acrylic nails, pickled eggs and s’mores. Don’t ask why, just trust me on this.

VIRGO (8/23 to 9/22): The monster under Taurus’ bed ate your horoscope and your homework too. So I’ll give you some advice instead: Watch out, it’s after you next.

LIBRA (9/23 to 10/22): Ay carumba! You decide you want take up salsa dancing, and learn how to shake what your momma gave you. Sadly, your momma did not give you anything to shake; in fact, the only thing she did give you was two left feet — literally. Alas, no one wants to dance with a left-footed freak.

SCORPIO (10/23 to 11/21): You decide to start your own ska/metal/indie/grind/power-pop/emo/hardcore band with your family lawyer and a pan-handler you met outside of a Starbucks. Though you acquire a large fan-base of ska/metal/indie/grind/power-pop/emo/hardcore fans, the band falls apart because of the creative differences between the attorney and the pan-handler.

SAGITTARIUS: (11/22 to 12/21): You fall desperately in love with Fall Out Boy’s lead-singer Patrick Stump (Pete Wentz is so passé) and send him a life-sized replica of yourself made out of melted crayons and Styrofoam, along with several dozen heartfelt love letters. He sends you something in return — a restraining order.

CAPRICORN (12/22 to 1/19): Happy Leprechaun month! To celebrate the oncoming holiday of St. Paddy’s you decide to watch all of the “Leprechaun” horror movies in one sitting, only to find yourself extremely disturbed by one of the many sequels “Leprechaun in da Hood.” You are tortured by nightmares until June.

AQUARIUS (1/20 to 2/18): You find yourself oddly attracted to the new bad boy in school who sports a jheri curl. Though you are also somewhat repulsed by his wet ’do, you still can’t help your infatuation. So you fill several of your school’s water fountains with bubbly soap hoping to land in detention for the first time so you can sit next to him and make moony eyes at him while you watch his hair drip to the ticking of the clock.

PISCES (2/19 to 3/20): This month you score a job at a Krispy Kreme donut shop, and in a matter of a few weeks you manage to work your way up and are offered the title of president of the Krispy Kreme company. The only thing you have to do to secure your future as CEO of this wondrous donut corporation is send 12 dozen boxes of glazed original donuts to Yasmin Miller, c/o VOX Teen Communications.

By Yasmin Miller | VOX Staff