How to Be a Ninja

Photo by Raisa Habersham | VOX Staff

By Sage Nenyue | VOX Staff

It’s good to be a ninja. You can disappear whenever teachers call on you in class. You can defend yourself from dangerous lunch ladies wielding ladles full of toxic glop. And, with lots of practice and meditation, you can even intimidate your report card grades into changing from C-’s into A+’s with only your steely ninja glare.

I should know. I’ve been a ninja for nearly all my life. And I’m here to share some of my limitless wisdom with you. Please don’t think that what you’ve seen in movies or read in books is historically accurate. That’s all just a big cover-up to protect the true nature of ninjas, of which there are only a brave and traditional few (cough-mostly me-cough).

This first thing you must do as a ninja is to learn how to think silently. Most people believe ninjas’ powers come mainly from their physical agility and strength, but it all starts with the mind. In fact, the best way to keep your thoughts silent is to not have any thoughts at all. If your thoughts are too loud then enemy spies can track you down and anticipate your every secret move. To learn how to think silently, meditation is key. It’s a good idea to meditate for two seconds every other two-second interval for at least a two-day period every week (i.e. your entire weekend). Anything else that needs to be done, such as eating or bathing, can be done in those two-second breaks or not at all.

In continuing to develop your mind to a state of ninja readiness, next you need to train your brain to realize that your missions and the obstacles in your path can be dealt with through the process of mind over matter. It’s your mind, and nobody else’s, that matters. Feeling superior to everyone else allows you to develop that killer intimidation factor that true ninjas are known for. The next time your parents or guardians demand you not go out some night, don’t cry and scream and beg. Simply engage them in a silent battle of wills by staring them down until they relent. (Or send you to your room.) With enough of this attitude, you will be on your way to ninjadom’s life in the fast lane.

Now for the fun stuff — your martial arts style! There are many martial arts that are utilized by the ninja, including Ninjitsu, Jujitsu, Capoeira, Aikido, Hung Gar, Chow Gar, Tai Chi, Speak to the Hand and many more. My advice: If you don’t see a certain style on TV, it’s not worth doing. Your best bet is to watch anime cartoons as if they were a fitness and exercise show, and copy as many of the moves as you can and combine them however you see fit.

Some of the moves may seem impossible, including flying. But if you’re a true ninja — and by the end of this guide you should be well on your way — you’ll be able to master them quickly without getting hurt. Your style should allow you to effectively take out targets (and anyone else who gets in your way) and sneak around those you don’t want to alert to your presence. The cooler your style looks to your friends, enemies, and innocent bystanders, the better a ninja you are.

Your moves also must have cool names to be completely effective. For example, when you do quick strikes with your leg you might name it something like: “Day of Windy Willows Whips!” It’s vitally important that you screech out the names of the moves before you attack. It makes your opponent hesitate, thinking, “Huh?” and it warns them just how uber-fast your leg is.

Publicity is crucial to a ninja’s sense of worth. As you advance up the ranks, you will be required to advertise your abilities and mastery far and wide. Get a camera crew and a marketing team to start on your movie debut and merchandising opportunities. Just think: “Glade Air Freshener: Now in ninja scent!”

All great ninjas have great ninja gear. Your basic kunai — a simple Japanese gardening tool — is a must-have weapon for a true master. Remember that weapons should be performed only on imaginary foes since there are no real enemies worthy of your skills. If you don’t have any kunais lying around, then don’t use knives instead because ninjas like to throw them into the air and try to catch them by the blade for dramatic flair — something we’re inherently not good at and the last thing you want is to see is a crying ninja.

Now that you are a ninja — reading these guidelines are all that’s necessary to call yourself one — go out and kick some butt. Fight the wrongs of the world and make them right. Peace out, my ninjas!

Shabàaka is a ninja master who attends Tech High. His secret training regimen includes eating ice cream everyday.