How to Argue With Your Parents – And Win

Photo illustration by Idrees Syed | VOX Staff

Chantai P. Meadows | VOX Staff

Talking to our parents can be difficult because we’re often at the opposing ends of hot topics — such as who we should date and how late we should be able to stay out. However, I have learned through my many confrontations with my parents several methods that not only prevent our arguments from getting ugly, but also often help me get what I want while at the same time helping my parents understand me a little better.

Pick your battles wisely. Just because there’s a lot of issues you and your parents don’t agree on that doesn’t mean you should fight over every petty little thing. Only issues of significance should be taken to the ring when squaring off against your parental opponents. Personally, I hate washing dishes and taking out the trash as much as the next girl or guy, but I do my best to wait until there’s something important worth blowing a gasket over—such as when they’re nagging about cleaning my room or my having too much “attitude” reaches a new level or they’ve straight out accused me of something I’d never ever do like rob a bank or something equally as random and incoherent. Since I’ve learned to not get so easily excited when they push my buttons, when I do launch into an full-blown argument, they know I mean business — and they’re more likely to pay attention to what I have to say. If I put out the vibe that I was always annoyed, they’d never know when I was upset about something really critical.

Timing is everything. There are good times to discuss things with your parents and there are bad times. Knowing which is which is an art form, and I’ve come up with three musts for picking the right time to make your move:

1. If your parents at first get really angry with what you have to say, back off and approach them later. It’s a lost cause if you keep pushing because no matter how logical your argument, their anger will force them to disagree. My dad can’t hear any kind of logic with steam still coming out of his ears, so I try to give him a minute to calm himself down a bit.

2. Don’t try bringing up anything while they’re busy. This too will prove self-defeating as you won’t have their attention, and no attention equals no response. For example, I know better than to approach my dad when he’s watching ESPN, because he turns into a total zombie. My mom’s no better with “Seinfeld.” With Jerry, Kramer or Newman on the screen, there’s no’s reaching her.

3. Never make a scene in public. You might be eager to talk with them the moment something comes up, no matter where you are and who else can hear. But you should try to keep your important conversations as private affairs. Since both of my parents are tough cookies, I try to help them keep up the rep’ by keeping our little dialogues on the ‘DL’.

4. Calm down and collect your thoughts. Fighting on emotion alone usually goes nowhere fast, so resist the temptation to lash out at them whenever you’re too upset to think. Sleeping on your problem and reworking it through a couple of times in your head almost always helps. The last thing you want to do when it comes to loved ones is say or do something you don’t mean. Besides, you’ll be better equipped to make your point when you’ve had the time to come up with a well thought-out, persuasive argument. I know when I’m really angry or hurt, I’m liable to say or do just about anything and screw things up even more. It’s been difficult, but I’ve learned to calm down, and they’ve almost always been more receptive when I’m rational.

5. Know your boundaries. Because many parents will be a bit turned off by the fact that their children have the guts to challenge them, it’s important that you take all of your boldness with a side of humble pie. Teens and parents know which buttons we can push with each other, but it’s vital to stay far, far away from the ones that cause damage to your relationship. Respect is a big thing to my parents, so I do my best to do check my ego when we’re arguing. They’ll even take a little criticism from me when I’m showing them a little r-e-s-p-e-c-t.

6. What matters, matters. Knowing what your parents value can make or break your argument. Think about the things that they’re always on your back about, and find a way to relate your point to that. Making the issue personal to them can cast your cause in a whole new light. My folks are always on me about being more aware of how I interact with others. Since that’s really broad, I can easily connect that to most anything. Whenever I make connections like these, they almost always see things my way, and that, my friends, is a good thing.

7. Own your faults. If you had any kind of fault in the situation (at least, that they are aware of), own up to it. There’s no shame in making mistakes, and actually, you’ll end up looking a lot more mature if you can admit to something you’ve done before they have the chance to throw it in your face. Even though you’re admitting guilt, it sets the stage for them to do the same with a lot more ease. It took me a while to figure this out, but parents really respect kids who can admit when they’re wrong. At first it sucked to admit when I was wrong, but my parents eat it up every time, and I’m pretty sure yours will, too.

8. Give them their props. Don’t suck up, but give your parents credit when credit is due. This step is especially helpful when dealing with issues of trust. Phrases such as, “You raised me better than that,” “You always taught me to ...” and “You used to tell me that [insert valuable lesson here] and that’s always stuck with me,” remind parents that you’re not just some common criminal — you’re their flesh and blood. Because I am the youngest and only girl, my parents get really antsy about allowing me to get out and have fun. When I want to go out with my friends, I remind them that they raised me to respect myself, make good decisions and whatever else suggests that I’m mature enough to not go crazy without their supervision.

9. Focus on the BIG picture. Many parents believe their children don’t think far enough ahead. So when forming an argument, it would help if you show sure signs of maturity by proving that you do indeed think about how your today can affect your tomorrow. My dad loves this. Talking about my future and how I am currently affecting it soothes his anger almost instantly. He understands that everyone stumbles and fumbles along the way, but as long as I’m learning from my mistakes, he’s usually OK.

10. Honesty is the best policy — to a point. (Self incrimination is not the goal.) When arguments arise, it’s always best to just be honest — not only about what happened, but how you’re feeling as well. You would be surprised by how eager parents are to know what we’re really thinking. Be sure to choose your words wisely because sometimes the truth hurts. How you feel can take a toll on how they feel, and hurting their feelings is not where we want this to go. I’ve always found lying to your parents about certain things can lead to a lot of trouble. Since my memory can be horrible, keeping my lies straight over time is usually impossible. So whenever it’s not going to get me in a heap of trouble, I try to be absolutely honest with my parents. Now if the truth is more likely to get you locked up than to set you free, I suggest you either bite the bullet or omit any really incriminating evidence that could permanently damage your relationship.

11. Good, better, best. It’s vital that you remind your parents the whole reason behind your wanting to pow-wow in the first place is that you want to build a better relationship with them. Though this may seem sappy, it should be the ultimate goal in discussing your problems. Even if you think you hate them now, you’ll hopefully learn to love them later. Clearing the air my parents has been like a major weight lifted off my back.

Well there you are: 11 steps to having effective arguments and discussions with the ’rents. Rearrange them as you will and make them your own, because different strokes work for different folks. When it comes to teens, parents and the trouble that lies between, remember; it’s all about turning negatives into positives and not always about what you say, but how you say it. Good luck!

Chantai is a senior at Creekside High.