How to be a Pirate

Photo by Samantha Kanalos | VOX Staff

By Raven Hathcock
and Barry Langer | VOX Staff

Ahoy maties! We all know what pirates say and do, but have you ever wanted to be one? Well, we have. And that must mean you at least secretly want to be one, too. A little known fact is that being a pirate can help you in your everyday teen life. For instance, there are countless times when a talking parrot perched on your shoulder would come in handy, and not just as a conversation piece at parties. If you fell down and couldn’t get up, there’d be no need for Med Alert. Polly would let everyone know within squawking distance of your predicament.

But before you can qualify for a talking parrot, you have to become a pirate. Come on, a regular person carrying around Polly would just be ridiculous. Here are a few guidelines to get you land lubbers started toward earning your eye patch and peg leg:

Step 1: Dress the part.
Everyone knows that a pirate’s garb is what sets him or her apart from any old sailor. And it will definitely help you stand out from the crowd this far in on dry land. Dressing the part of a pirate, everyone will take notice when you walk in a room. Of course, there are bound to be copycats, but you’ll always be remembered as the one who started the fashion craze.

“But what is pirate garb?” you ask. Well, we’ll there are six major components:

• A pointy hat that’s been weathered by seawater. We think we saw some at Target.
• A puffy, frilly shirt. Just raid Adam Ant’s old closet.
• Long leather boots with grippy heels to keep you on the boat and out of Davy Jones’ Locker.
• Pantaloons. Just because it’s fun to say.
• An eye patch (yes, just one).
• A bandana (optional, but oh so hip).

2. Speak the language. Pirate tongue can take your everyday, normal conversations, and turn them into amazing conversations worth putting up as quotes in your Facebook/MySpace/Friendster/Tagworld profile.

Here’s an example:
“Hi John. How are you today?”
“I’m doing well, Kathy. How are you?”
“Well, John, I’m doing OK, except that Spanish class has really been getting to me.”
“Lots of work in there?”
“Oh yeah. The teacher just keeps assigning homework and projects and tests and quizzes! Every day, something is due!”
“Oh man, I’m sorry about that, Kathy. I have to go now.”
“See you later, John.”

And the pirate-speak translation:
“Ahoy John. How be ye today?”
“I be doin’ well, Kathy. How be ye?”
“Well, John, I be doin’ arrr, ‘ceptin’ that Spanish class has really been gettin’ t’ me.”
“Lots o’ work in thar?”
“Oh aye. Th’ teacher jus’ keeps assignin’ homework an’ projects an’ tests an’ quizzes! Ever’ tide, somethin’ be due!”
“Ach, I be sorry about that, Kathy. I be havin’ t’ go now.”
“Be seein’ ye later, John.”

One word of warning, you might now want to go up to your object of affection and say: “Avast, matey! I’d like to swab yer decks!” While it really mean anything, you’re liable to be slapped for saying it anyhow.

3. Act the part. While you’re almost a pirate, your preparations are not quite complete. You need to back up the tough talk and look by walking the walk (and not the plank). A few tips:

• When at home, eat with your hands rather than utensils.
• If you feel you must practice some dining etiquette, use your bandana as a napkin.
• Learn how to hold a pen with a hook rather than your hand.
• Figure out how to keep your peg leg on properly.
• Buy a parrot and teach it bawdy jokes.

There are so many ways to act like a pirate that we can’t even go into all of them here. But one thing is for sure. eventually you’ll get so into character that you’ll start believing you’re a pirate — and that’s the same as actually being one.

Raven and Barry think ninjas are lame.