But I Really Do Care
My Struggle with Cynicism

Illustration by Ni-Ka Ford| VOX Staff

By Yasmin Miller
VOX Staff

I will not deny it. I am a sarcastic person. Since the age of 7 when I first came across the word sarcasm while reading the dictionary, I’ve been fascinated by and attempting to perfect the art of dry wit. I know when to sneer at a less than brilliant comment and how to articulate disdain in a droll and clever fashion. I seldom cross into the realm of maliciousness, so I still have friends and everyone just thinks of me as the cynical one. While being sarcastic has always worked pretty well for me, lately it’s presented a problem in my life that I never realized it would. I’ve discovered that I often use cynical remarks because it’s easier for me to act like I don’t care than to show my true feelings.

Me Sarcastic? Never ...
A few months ago I was watching “Charlie Brown” and dropped snide remarks about how the character Linus still carried a blanket around. I said it was stupid for people to use certain items as a means to cope and that safety blankets are just another excuse for people to not deal with their problems. Two days later my mom gave my stuffed bear Harry (I’ve had him since I was 7) to my younger sister. I flipped out and demanded Harry back and adequate recompense for the inconvenience. I was only delivered Harry with a reproving look from my mother.

“I wouldn’t have given him away if I knew you actually cared,” she said. That’s when I realized that in far too many instances, I made fun of things because I liked them.

“Love is for Sappy Morons”
The teddy bear incident made me think of another occurrence where my sarcastic disposition had been misinterpreted. There was this boy I really liked and we’d been flirting for a while when he brought up the subject of love.

“I’d like to fall in love one day,” he said.

“Love is for sappy morons who need someone to dedicate their Friday nights to,” I replied scornfully. The comment came out of my mouth before I could think about it and even after I’d said it, I didn’t give it much thought. The boy laughed; but suddenly, he stopped calling, and the flirting ceased altogether. A few weeks passed and I worked up the courage to ask him why he’d lost interest. He told me I didn’t seem like I really cared about that sort of thing. At that time it hadn’t occurred to me that my smart-aleck attitude could be perceived as uncaring. I’m a very passionate person and, in a way, it offended me to be thought of as apathetic.

Strange how it took something like a teddy bear to make me have that epiphany, but after that happened I promised myself that I would stop being cynical about things I cared for.

I’ve never been comfortable talking about my feelings and being sarcastic provides me with the perfect method of avoiding them in every day life. What makes it easier is the fact that I get away with it. A lot of people like my sarcastic attitude and think I’m funny. This perception has only enabled me to continue on with my behavior.

Coming to a Realization
I was sarcastic about coping mechanisms because it hit pretty close to home in the case of Harry; I was cynical about love because it’s one of those things that I don’t understand.

I know this isn’t a healthy attitude to have and it leaves me at an impasse — should I drop the cynical attitude which has essentially become a part of who I am? Or should I go around being considerably nicer because I don’t want to be thought of as apathetic?

The fact of the matter is I will always be sarcastic. I enjoy dry wit too much and verbal sparring is always going to be my favorite sport. But I am learning to be more validating by being conscious of what I say instead of coming off as mean.

Yasmin is a senior at Riverdale High. She says she sucks at driving.