Big Nose, Fat Ass
A World of Disappointment in One Little Body

Illustration by Allegra Midgette| Special to VOX and Reuben Buchanan l VOX Stafff

By Elaine Whitehead
VOX Staff

So many negative things appear to me when I look in the mirror. I know what I’m doing is not right, but I constantly try to reassure myself of my beauty by putting on makeup or asking others how I look, worried they’ll see what I see. I worry that I’ll never be in a relationship. I worry that people will make fun of me. This is what countless teens and I have become after years of brainwashing by images of models and celebrities in magazines.

Self-Conciousness
I haven’t always thought of myself so negatively. When I was little kid I never thought I had a big nose. I never worried about how I looked. My self-consciousness started slowly because of little comments here and there, like in the third grade when someone said she could recognize my father and me from our noses. I guess he has a big nose. Since then my family has always joked about our noses. It’s not intended to be hurtful, but it still hurts.

I started using two mirrors and angling them to see my profile. Now this is almost a daily routine for me. I check to see how big my nose is and whether my hairstyle makes my nose look bigger or smaller. Then I make readjustments based on my results. People tell me I worry too much and that my perceptions are wrong, but the insecurity doesn’t go away.

The same goes for my other body parts. I look at pictures of myself and see the flab hanging off my arm and get embarrassed. I look in the mirror and see the cellulite in my thighs. Before I go to the beach, I look to see how big my stomach is, then worry about how it will get bigger after I eat.

I’m also self-conscious of my butt. I used to be so proud that I had a curvy, big, Latina butt. It is one of the only parts of my body that show my half-Latin heritage. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve started to think, That’s not a sexy butt. That’s just a cellulite-filled a$$. And that resentment has just kept growing.

I don’t think anyone else even notices what I consider my flaws. I realize all this concern about my appearance is absurd. It’s a waste of time, and I don’t want to worry about these things constantly. But as crazy as I think it is, I can’t help doing it.

Stereotypes
The media has helped shape my mind. I used to think that celebrities in movies and models in magazines didn’t affect me because the images were all fake to me. Now that I’m older and feel more pressure to look a certain way, I find myself turning more to magazines and TV. They all seem to suggest that girls should be so thin they look ill and at the same time have big boobs, a big butt, long hair and a nice face.

While sometimes it just makes me think, That is so ridiculous. It’s so unrealistic and contradictory, other times I find myself wondering, Why couldn’t you have been born like that? How is it fair that she looks like that and you don’t? Why don’t you have a straight nose? Why don’t you have a flat belly? I know I’m not alone in this.

Studies by Canada’s National Eating Disorder Information Centre show that young girls are more afraid of being fat than they are of cancer, nuclear war or losing their parents. Another study in the Journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics shows that 40 percent of girls ages 9 to 10 have tried to lose weight. Little girls are already worrying about their appearances and being skinny instead of enjoying their innocence. This shows how big a problem body image is today.

My friends and family also contribute to my insecurity. People don’t always realize that the little things they say or imply can be earth-shattering, even if the comments were just meant as jokes. Many times, like a typical brother, my brother will call me ugly or big. What he doesn’t realize is that those comments make me feel terrible. They don’t always affect me at the moment, but they take root at the back of my mind and resurface when I feel insecure.

Comments also linger in my head when my friends and I joke around about looks or talk negatively about our bodies in front of the mirror. These experiences make me envy their figures and feel worse about my own. When we’re hanging out and just talking, it seems that the subject of appearances always comes up one way or another. We might complain about how we don’t like our hair that day or how we don’t like the way we’re dressed. Instead, we should compliment each other and say things to make each other feel better.

Objectification
Another problem with the body image phenomenon is that it objectifies women. Sometimes it even makes us put ourselves out as objects to find acceptance. Even though I’m very self-conscious, I do things that put myself in the spotlight, wishing that someone will reassure me, hoping others don’t see what I see in the mirror. Like when I go swimming, I like to wear a bikini, then I try to see if anyone notices me in a positive light. The problem is no one really notices most of the time.

As women, we need to stop asking men to give us the acceptance we want. Otherwise, we’ll just get hurt and need even more reassurance. This ugly cycle will continue, and we will become dependent on others instead of getting stronger.

Many girls deal with the same pain in different ways, just like everyone deals with problems differently. This leads to dangers such as depression, eating disorders and risky behavior. Many people don’t even know that I myself deal with self-consciousness until I tell them because I try to hide it. I look like everybody else, even though I’m hurting inside.

Hurting Each Other
Instead of helping each other many times we just put down other women so that we can feel better about ourselves. We call eachother sluts and b!*#hes. But we really need to find ways to empower each other, stop doubting ourselves and feel better about who we are inside and out. At the moment I’m struggling to find a way.

I have realized though that it helps when I surround myself with things that I like to do. When I have a fun jam-packed schedule, I have less time to worry about how I look. Also, the more often I do things that make me happy, like dancing, ice skating, acting, playing softball and spending time with my friends, the more I become satisfied and at ease with myself.

Elaine is a freshman at Paideia. Ice skating and acting make her happy.