Overcoming Heartbreak
A Broken Heart Made Me Love Myself

Illustartion by La'Tazia Kendricks l VOX Stafff

By Name Withheld
VOX Staff

When I met my ex-boyfriend, Damian*, in May 2006, I wasn’t looking to be in a relationship. I was going through a really rough time in my life and didn’t trust anybody, especially not guys. I was tired of seeing boys play games and take girls for granted. So falling for Damian was the last thing I was willing to do. I let my guard down slowly, but soon, he broke my heart. Looking back, I can see how I allowed him to use me. At the time, I didn’t love and value myself. Our breakup has been really painful for me, but the good thing that has come out of it is that it’s taught me to love and respect myself more.

Damian sparked conversation with me during our bus ride from school after seeing me fight another girl in the cafeteria during lunch period.

“Why did you fight that girl today?” he asked curiously.

“Because she tried me,” I fired back. Everyone on the bus was being nosy, and I figured he just wanted to know what happened. I didn’t care for him too much, but something in me sensed that his curiosity wasn’t just nosiness; his facial expressions and persistence to talk to me seemed genuine. Not long after that day, we became friends, exchanged numbers and started talking over the phone.

I found out we had many things in common. Like me, Damian wanted to become a psychologist, and he was a hard worker. He was talented in art, literature and martial arts. He was an honest gentleman who didn’t smoke, and he was a virgin. To me, he was perfect, and though he wasn’t the tallest boy around, he later became the biggest guy in my heart.

Giving Love a Try
A year after we met, Damian became my boyfriend. Our relationship started off great. He wasn’t the typical 17-year-old guy. He told me he came into my unstable life to teach me what it means to have balance. I was a very aggressive person and was always involved in a fight. Damian reminded me to think about the consequences of my actions and to make wiser choices so I won’t get myself into trouble.

Like other guys who had approached me before, Damian didn’t seem like he wanted me for my “goodies,” so I let down my guards slowly. Every time he would compliment me, it boosted my self-esteem and made me want to get closer to him. Older women in my family have told me that if you show a boy admiration he would get stupid and treat you bad. That’s why it took so long for me to open up to Damian. Also, when I was younger, I watched my stepfather verbally and physically abuse my mom and saw my uncle hit my aunt. I hadn’t been personally hurt by a guy before, but I learned enough from witnessing those bad relationships in my family and with my close girlfriends to become skeptical and untrusting of men. So I already knew I didn’t want to be mistreated by Damian.

Before Damian and I started dating, my best friend, Mecca* used to joke around about Damian being a virgin. Each day we went to his house she would tease him.

“Oh, Damian sucks at basketball because he’s a virgin,” she often said. Or while he was lifting weights, she would say he was weak because he was a virgin. Damian never replied. He would just smile and continue doing what he was doing.

I didn’t actually find out that he was a virgin until we started going out. One time we were on the phone and started playing this game called 21 questions. I asked him questions to see if I was feeling him, and he agreed to answer truthfully. I started with questions to learn about his interests and hobbies, and gradually moved into more intimate questions. That’s when I found out he was a virgin. His response shocked me and I was skeptical because it seemed too good to be true. Deep inside I was glad that he was a virgin because I thought I wouldn’t have to worry about him trying to manipulate me.

Letting Down My Guard
After that conversation, Damian and I got even closer. In June, he became the first boy I had sex with. That summer Damian was preparing to go to New York to be with his family for two months. Before he left he kept asking me to have sex with him. At first I was very hesitant, but his persistence made me feel like I needed to give in. I was also struggling with loving myself. In my eyes, at the time, I wasn’t important to me or anyone else. Damian seemed to care and made me feel like I mattered, so I figured the least I could do was give him my body. The day before he left we had sex. Once he was gone, I told myself that when he came back, we wouldn’t have sex again. But I was wrong.

Soon after Damian returned, we started having sex again. As time progressed, I wanted to stop having sex, but it was fun, even though, in a weird way, it wasn’t pleasurable. Besides, having sex — even with protection — was too risky. I could’ve gotten pregnant and ended my childhood. Months later, after hearing my bishop at church and other people repeatedly stress the importance of having self-love and self-respect, I finally realized that no one can love me unless I love me. So in September I stopped having sex with Damian without telling him why.

He Lets Me Down
One day, two months later, he told me that I wasn’t pleasing him sexually. The day before he asked me for sex and I refused. He got angry and said he wanted a break from our relationship. I couldn’t believe he was trying to pressure me like that, but I wasn’t about to do anything out of my comfort zone. I was very upset, so in my eyes our relationship had ended.

We ignored each other at school and stopped calling each other. During that week, I became very stressed, and I wondered if some other girl was getting the same attention I used to like. My body began to hurt and I realized I was hurting because I was lonely. I felt really pathetic. I was highly upset with myself because I let some big-headed boy hurt me. I actually thought I was smarter than that. I learned at the end it doesn’t matter how smart you are — you still can make a mistake.

Then one day, Damian wrote me a poem saying how sad and stupid he was. After reading the poem, I didn’t feel like it came from his heart. That same day, I gave him a poem I wrote when we broke up. He came to my house that day and told me that all he got from my poem was that we broke up over sex. To him we had broken up because my attitude and behavior toward him had changed. Since I’d noticed our relationship was changing for the worse and I wanted things to change for the better, I forgave him for pressuring me about sex, and we got back together. Even after we got back together, I was very cautious. I felt that he didn’t love me the way I loved him. In the back of my mind, I felt that our relationship had been based on sex, so I didn’t trust him.

Soon our relationship got worse. I felt that he was finding other females to do what I wasn’t because many of my family members told me they saw him with other girls. We started arguing more, and when we spent time together we were busy working on controlling our anger rather than focusing on being happy. In December, we decided to break up.

I agreed to let him go because I respect myself. But my first reaction to the end of our seven-month relationship was anger and animosity. He proved that the advice from the older women in my family was true, and that took my negative perception about guys to another level. I was really hurt and down. Our breakup put me back in that so-called I hate boys mentality.

Getting Back Up
At the same time, I feared that I wouldn’t find anyone better than Damian, so I wanted to hold on to him. But soon I realized that I was going to be better off without him. Even though I still feel the pain, I am not down anymore and I am working on forgiveness and healing from that negative perception about men.

Damian and I had some great moments, but my best is yet to come. My big brother told me that boys come and go like the sun rises — that is until you find the right one. His advice helped me realize that if one relationship doesn’t work, another will come in time and I can try again. I realized that I gave Damian so much of my time, love and attention. I’ve learned not to rush to invest myself into relationships while I’m so young. I have more than enough time to find my true love. Right now, I’m not interested in dating because I don’t want to risk being thrown off track in school and mess up my future over a boy.

The writer is a junior at a DeKalb County High School.

*Name changed.