VOX: The Voice of Our Generation

Never Been Kissed and Feeling Alone
As my friend went on to explain the way he had moved her hair from her face and looked into her eyes before he kissed her, I found myself thinking of other things. She was the last person I knew besides me who hadn’t experienced her first kiss, and I felt completely and totally alone. I didn’t like anyone, so there were no potential first-kiss boys for me, and I became more and more nervous as I began to believe it was too late. I figured everyone had been kissed, and found myself unable to see that I wasn’t alone in my kissing plight.

After my friend left, I sat, looking down at my shoes with a half-grimace, trying not to show how disappointed I felt. I really was happy for her; she deserved to experience her first kiss, but it wasn’t fair. I had wanted it for so much longer. Besides, karma owed me! I mean, I helped a little old lady put her groceries on the conveyor belt at the check-out lane just the week before. I felt cheated because I’d dreamt about my first kiss for so long, and now those dreams seemed to be crashing down. The first boy I kissed would think I was stupid for not understanding how to go about kissing him. It was OK to not know how to kiss in middle school, but in junior year of high school it simply wasn’t acceptable. I feared the day I kissed someone would be remembered as the most embarrassing day of my life.

Childhood Dreams Crushed
When I was a child, I pictured my first kiss in the rain, where the guy would look deep into my eyes, cup my face in his hands and press his lips to mine. Or maybe it would happen when I was running off to leave; he’d catch my hand and make me turn around and just as I turned, he’d move close and kiss me in one smooth motion.

Now, the prospect of either of those scenarios happening seemed miniscule. With my luck, he’d probably go in and we’d bump heads, or I’d have something stuck in my teeth that he’d notice just as he got close enough to kiss me. How totally romantic that’d be — not.

I was 15 when it dawned on me that my first kiss probably wouldn’t be romantic, because it was getting to be too late. By 16, I felt hopeless. I still had my braces, which I believed were condemning my kissing fate. I was doomed to kiss a loser or never get kissed at all. I’d be like Drew Barrymore in “Never Been Kissed,” minus the happy ending. Perhaps it would happen when I got my braces off, I reassured myself halfheartedly. As that date neared, I actually found myself believing my first kiss would soon follow.

Now, you can understand my disappointment when I got my braces off and got to school the first day of my junior year, hopeful to find an old classmate who now looked cute, or a new student to be my romantic interest, but no one caught my attention. It seemed that the universe was playing a cruel game of torture. My hopes came toppling down, and I felt cheated — again. I’d had those braces on for four years, and now that I felt comfortable enough in my own skin to actually feel pretty, there was no one there for me. I found myself wondering if perhaps there was no one for me anywhere. Maybe when each person was blessed with that special quality that makes her attractive, I was overlooked. Perhaps there was something about me that screamed of my lack of experience that made guys decide not to bother with me.

The Universe Cracks Another Joke
Last Christmas, I got too wrapped up in spending time with my friends to think about boys, but once January came to a close, I began to see Valentine’s Day, or SAD (Single’s Awareness Day), looming like a dark rain cloud. I couldn’t ignore the fact that I was alone. As the day approached, I felt more and more depressed. So, I decided to distract myself by going to a retirement home to volunteer with old ladies who often didn’t have their spouses anymore. I did that on February 12, and believe it or not, the universe found something to laugh about at my expense.

My friend and I were talking to an elderly woman and told her we were 16. The woman turned to my friend and innocently asked, “Sweet 16 and never been kissed?” My friend shook her head but mentioned I was, thinking the woman would find that sweet. My friend was wrong.

The older woman’s jaw dropped, and she loudly exclaimed: “Really? That’s so weird! In this day and age, no one is 16 without having been kissed. Go and kiss a boy!”

A strained smile formed upon my lips, and I said that it was nice talking to her, before walking away. I felt like crying, but instead I talked to several other women, trying to get the outspoken woman’s outburst out of my head. I knew it was bad when an old woman thought I was a freak.

Hope Arrives Last
Valentine’s Day was all the more heart-wrenching, because I realized I had one more year in high school to find a boyfriend who would show all my friends how much he loved me. I’d never really felt loved by anyone other than my parents and friends, and it made me feel like people didn’t think I was worth the time or effort. I just wanted to know what it felt like coming from someone who wasn’t obligated to love me despite my flaws. I was running out of time, and as I saw the balloons and flowers my friends’ boyfriends got, I felt taunted. It just wasn’t fair that they’d had a Valentine almost every Valentine’s Day, while I’d never had one. I wasn’t a bad person; karma just hated me!

The day after Valentine’s Day offered no relief, since the girls who had been absent on the actual holiday were receiving their teddy bears and balloons a day late. Our school hall looked like Cupid had vomited on it for the second day in a row. Needless to say, I looked forward to a surprise birthday party for my friend that night, where I could just have a good time and forget about my lack of a boyfriend.

When I arrived at my friend’s party, I only knew two people, a girl named April* and a boy named Kevin*. Kevin and April didn’t really know anybody either, so we stuck around each other. For most of the night I danced with Kevin, who I had heard liked me. He was cute, but I hadn’t really noticed him until that night. After dancing for a while, we went outside, and after much rambling, I finally admitted that I liked him. He smiled and said he liked me back, which was something that had never happened to me before. I had liked plenty of guys, and plenty of guys had liked me, but we never had liked each other at the same time.

At the moment we determined our mutual feelings, “Happy Birthday” began to echo from inside the party, and we rushed back inside, joining the song at the very end. Unsure of how to continue our conversation, we danced for a while before I went back outside, hoping for Kevin to follow. He did after a few minutes, and I asked whether we were going to continue our conversation. He seemed confused, replying that he thought we already had. Embarrassed, I just shrugged, and we went back inside.

Fairytale Kiss, Not-So Fairytale Ending
I was filled with worry the rest of the night. I didn’t want that to be the end of things, since something as monumental as having a boy like me back shouldn’t be left ambiguous. I was pretty disappointed when I said goodbye and gave Kevin a hug at the end of the night. He noticed. Deciding that this could be our chance to reaffirm our feelings, I suggested he walk me to my car. Kevin agreed, and as we walked, I explained that I was afraid that what we said would amount to nothing. He assured me he didn’t want that, and I replied, “Well, then you have to do something.” I was just teasing.

But he replied, “Oh, I do?”

Smiling at this, I nodded matter-of-factly.

“Well, since I owe you and all, here!” Before I knew it, Kevin’s hands were upon my hips and he came close, placing his lips against mine. The kiss was soft and considerate, as if he were being careful not to completely shock me. With wide eyes, I murmured something along the lines of “Oh my gosh,” grateful I’d only drank water at the party and that I’d used Chap Stick the whole night.

As he walked away, I slid into my car, keeping a straight face until I turned onto the main road, where I proceeded to freak out. I called friends, who congratulated me just as I had congratulated them. Not only did I feel ecstatic for my groundbreaking achievement, but all those congratulatory smiles and words I’d given felt meaningful, because I now knew how it felt to receive them.

My first kiss wasn’t a complete disaster, although the events following could have gone better. The kiss itself was more romantic than most of my friends’ first kisses, but Kevin didn’t follow through like he said he would. In fact, he got back with his ex and then proceeded to dump her for another girl. I’ve come to appreciate seeing his true colors without actually dating him, because though the kiss was magical, it taught me that in order to find my prince I’m going to have to kiss a few toads.

I learned a very important lesson that night and the weeks that followed: No matter how long it takes to be kissed for the first time, when the time is right, it will be magical. And while it might not play out the way you plan it, you won’t regret waiting. Don’t rush your first kiss just for the sake of doing it.

Kristen is junior a Collins Hill High. She is over Kevin and fully prepared to find her Prince Charming.

*Names changed.