Photo Illustration by Jalisa M. Smith l VOX Staff

By Jacleena Hunt
VOX Staff

A college guy and a high school girl are like water and oil — they should never mix. I am a 17-year-old female claiming love for a 19-year-old guy, and nothing is harder to manage at the same time than a graduation test and a boyfriend.

The first time my boyfriend and I said “I love you” and the time we became each other’s so-called first — times a person should cherish and remember fondly — are not the best in my memories. I meant to do everything I did, but my problem is that I didn’t think about the consequences my actions would bring. Trying to please my boyfriend may have gone too far, and I know I’m not alone in this.

About a month ago I was researching the effects of love on teenagers, and I came across a study by sociologists Kara Joyner of Cornell University and J. Richard Udry of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. The study shows an increase in depression levels for teens romantically involved in relationships, suggesting that falling in love makes adolescents more capable of delinquency, depression and future alcohol abuse, because adolescents place so much emphasis on relationships.
I can surely attest to some of this: Being an overachieving student myself, my main goals are to go to school and graduate at the top of my class, and a relationship is definitely a welcome change in pace for my academically motivated life.

Bittersweet Love
When I decided it was time, I set aside all previous objectives to achieve an ultimate goal — getting a boyfriend — and I succeeded. I met Mike* during marching band season. He was my former band section leader. I believe the bus rides, games and practices made us closer, and a fateful band trip was the icing on the cake. It was a very odd trip because we hardly talked to each other, but as soon as that bus reached our school, we became connected.

Nov. 13, 2007 marks the day I achieved what most underclassmen girls could only dream of: dating a senior with a car and a future. However, I didn’t realize that I was satisfying a physical need rather than an emotional one. Don’t get me wrong: I am truly in love — at least, so I think. At my age can I really determine whether I’m in love or do I really know what love is? These are questions I ponder when I’m alone. Times like these make me wish I hadn’t been in such a rush to grow up, because all hurrying really only got me were sad and lonely nights, wondering what I did wrong. I wondered if I was right to say that he demanded too much from me at such an early age, or becoming angry at his complaints that I didn’t call enough and that I don’t support him in school. I am only 17. There is only so much a girl with a curfew, homework, club meetings, a job and band practice can do.

Compromise and Family Ties
I believe I have my father’s inability to properly show affection. I tend to shy away from mushy, gushy moments in my relationship, although my inhabited trait is not the only reason for my withdrawal. I don’t always like to be touched or hugged. Sometimes I just want to sit and watch television or look in the sky for no apparent reason.

My boyfriend is the opposite of me. He likes to show affection — you know, hugging, touching, rubbing and “doing the deed.” I feel pressure to do those things to make him happy and to keep him, but I’m not that type of person, and it becomes harder to do these without feeling regretful. I am a Christian who was taught to save myself until marriage, and I can’t help but to feel immoral for not keeping my promise to my Faith. I believe if I could just stop now I can save a shred of my pride, but my boyfriend doesn’t seem to understand that. The fact that he claimed to be a Christian was a major attraction to me, but for him not to understand and respect my feelings is very ironic and hurtful.

The feeling to please more than likely comes from my mother. She just tries to keep the peace in the house. I have a fear of repeating my mother’s cycle — from the abuse she’s endured to her two unhappy marriages. So far I seem to be on that track.

Relationship Damage
My relationship has not only done damage to me but to the people around me. The constant arguments with my judgmental father and cautious mother about curfews and accusations of unladylike behavior have made the situation harder than it should be. The time my mother thought I was pregnant was the worst argument I’ve ever had. The worst feeling was not the pain from my cramps, but the fact that my mother thought I had an STD or a “baby on the way.” By the grace of God, I was not pregnant.

When I told my boyfriend I wasn’t pregnant, he seemed nonchalant because this was my second pregnancy scare. The first time I secretly bought a test and never told my mother. I was just so relieved not to be. My boyfriend really takes my irregular periods for granted and thinks I’m having delusions, but I’m just looking at the facts. I told him this could happen again and the test could be positive, but he just continued with his macho persona that he is invincible and that unwanted pregnancy could never happen to us.

I thought my boyfriend would understand my desire to slow down and eventually stop having sex, but he didn’t. That day I vowed to never have sex again, but that didn’t happen. I struggled every time after that point to show affection while having sex with him, but all I felt was helpless and dirty. The fact that he goes to college four hours away was the best move for me; no pressure to do anything I don’t want to do — well, at least until he comes home for breaks.

I used to tell my mother I was going to the movies or the mall with Mike, but we would just go back to his house. I rejected my friends’ phone calls and text messages, claiming I was sleeping or busy, when in reality I was having another five-hour-long conversation with my boyfriend.

Whenever I was late to school, I told my teachers I was just down the hall or that we had car trouble that morning, when I was hanging out at my boyfriend’s house during the first two periods of the day. I guess I clung so hard to our relationship because it was my first and I wanted it to be my last. I have an issue with letting people go, so anything I had to do to keep this relationship alive I would have done it.

Realizing My Worth, Pleasing Me
I had a problem and I needed intervention, but I had no one to turn to. How would I ever break these habits and become happy again? It took my boyfriend going off to college to allow me alone time to correct my problem. In January, I started to realize even more that having a boyfriend was not the most important thing in my life and I had to get back to pleasing myself instead of trying to please others. I used to think I needed a boyfriend to prove that I was attractive or had a good personality, but all I needed was reassurance from my own self. After watching hours of Lifetime, Oxygen and listening to church sermons, I’ve realized that I am beautiful because I am me. I saw that I didn’t need approval from my family, friends or a boyfriend as long as I was happy with myself. From then on all I could do was walk with confidence and remember I was created for a purpose.

This realization led to constant text and phone arguments between Mike and I, and it created a rift in our relationship. Though we are still together, we don’t seem as close as we used to be, but there is still some spark of affection left. My worries have shifted back to my schoolwork and helping out my mother, rather than the outfit I should wear on my date or figuring out how to text Mike in class. I still have worries, but they are now more manageable.

The study on young love and depression has really made me think more about my relationship. Having an older boyfriend, though only two years older, has definitely placed a veil of insecurity upon my life. But here’s something I’ve had to realize: I am a teenage girl, a baptized Christian, daughter of a minister, a liar, once sexually active (with one person), and I have more on my plate than I dare to even chew. I can cry and wish all I want that life could be as simple as it was when I was 5, 7 or 11 years old, but life does not work that way.

I must take my mistakes and turn them into life lessons. I’ve realized the urge to please everyone is not healthy. I know now having sex is not a necessity in a relationship, but a desire, and I do not have to do it if I am not ready. I am no longer bound by my insecurities. These days when I wake up, I have a purpose of pleasing me and making sure I stay happy throughout the day.

Jacleena, a.k.a. Jackie, is a junior at Miller Grove High, and she says she lets her light shine through her words.

*Name changed.