Rising from the Ashes, Cutting Out the Pain

By Anonymous | VOX Staff

Art by Thinh Vu | VOX Staff

I’ve gone through more bull crap than any other teen I know. A few months ago, I felt I was nothing, a little vermin to everyone and everything in the world. I’ve been cheated on by my ex-boyfriend and hated by every member of my family. I’ve been emotionally beaten and heartbroken by the ones I love.

I’m tired of it! I’m ready for everyone in my life to see me as I see myself — a wonderful person to know and have in life. I’m ready for the tears to go away.

I’ve tried to physically rip the pain out and go on with my life, and I’ve finally come to realize that I can’t punish myself for what other people have done to me. I know that what I’m going through now will only make me stronger for the future.

Hate

I’ve always had to pretend around my own family, to hide my feelings, afraid that they would hate me even more than they already do.

When I was 6, my mother left me with my step-father, so she could go meet up with some drug dealer. I never saw her again. I lived with my grandmother for a while, but eventually my grandmother and I had to move in with my cousin. My cousin Louisa* treated me like crap because of my drug-addicted mother.

Louisa hated her for leaving me to someone else’s responsibility. She didn’t allow me to eat any of her food and started making me pay her rent this past winter when I got my first job (which I was proud of). My other family members just sat back and watched. I was so angry.

Love

My high school sweetheart was my savior from this mess. I met David* when I was a freshman and he was a senior. We dated for a while, keeping everything on a boyfriend/girlfriend level, but we soon fell in love.

I will always believe that love is the most powerful emotion in this world. Love can make men and women cry, scream and feel both pain and happiness. This love made me feel like I was on cloud nine for once.

David and I loved, laughed, cried and sighed. He sent me gifts and goodies when he decided to travel after high school, and we talked on the phone every day and night. We were together for two wonderful years. We were like Siamese twins, always together — hanging out at the mall, movies or each other’s house. I felt that nothing in the world could take David away from me. But soon everything went wrong.

The pain started after he graduated from high school and moved to the West Coast. The long-distance thing worked perfectly for a year, but this past February, David started to become distant. I did what most girls would do and asked him if he was cheating on me. He yelled and said that he loved me too much to do that. Like an idiot, I fell for his lie.
Within two weeks, I was the only one doing the talking. I called David, but he never called me. I texted, but he never texted me. I got so tired of initiating that I decided not to contact David at all. I was going to see how long it would take him to call me.

After a week without talking, I called him and a girl picked up.

“Hello?” she said.

“Who is this?” I practically yelled.

“This is David’s girlfriend.”

“That’s impossible! I’m his girlfriend.”

“Well, if you are, than too bad cause I’ve been sleeping with him since January.”

I felt angry, hurt and betrayed. At that point, she put him on the phone.

“Why did you do this to me?” I said, sobbing, I could barely speak.

“You weren’t there for me.”

The first thought in my head was that he had just used me for sex when we were together. All I thought about was how lonely my life was going to be. David was everything to me. Even from far away, he was my rock. I had always called him to look for guidance in my life and now he left me alone. I cried all that week.

A New Low in Life

My grades started to slip. I sat in the front of the class, but my mind roamed between the good and bad times of our relationship. After school, the thoughts of David and the good times we shared persisted. I cried every day.
David had been my lifeline. When things in my house weren’t going well, he was there to tell me everything was all right. When he left me, I felt my lifeline was cut.

It got worse one day when I got home and checked my MySpace. I saw a message from some girl named Angel,* the girl David had cheated on me with. She said he was hers and continued messaging me for three weeks.

I checked out her page before I blocked her and found out that she is only 15 years old. David is 19. I kept thinking: What does that girl have that I don’t have? Why someone so young? Curiosity killed this cat.

For once, I asked my grandmother for help. I cried on her shoulder all night. She hugged me, rocked me and told me everything would be OK, but the words went in one ear and out the other. When I went to bed, I only pulled the covers over my head and cried more.

I felt betrayed and alone. Thoughts that I hadn’t had in years came into my head.At that moment, I seriously wanted to kill myself. There were times when I kept a knife in my hand and stared at it, wanting to jab it into my heart. I wanted to cut my throat. I wanted to do anything to take the pain away, but for some reason I couldn’t do it. I didn’t know if it was my dreams of becoming an actress or my fear of death. All I know is that for many nights, I wanted to hurt myself, but I only cried. Then I started cutting.

Loneliness

I thought that physical pain would be so much better than emotional pain. I had this knife in my dresser that I had bought from a MomoCon. Every day and night, every time I felt the tears coming up, I would cut my arm. I thought I could take the pain away, but that didn’t help either because I still hurt.

I wore only long sleeves to hide the scabs and scars, and continued going to school and playing soccer. My teammates didn’t even notice anything because we never had conversations about life.

I kept everything to myself. I even kept my friends away from me, avoiding them, because I didn’t want them to know how weak I had become. I didn’t want them to be ashamed to have me as a friend when they thought that I was this cool laid-back person.

Instead, when I got home every day, I stayed in a small corner of my already-small room. I listened to music with my headphones on and ignored my family.

After a few weeks, I knew I couldn’t live like this anymore. Seeing myself in the mirror every morning with puffy eyes from crying, I knew I had to change.

A New Me Emerges

I finally decided to seek help toward the end of winter, around March. I knew that I couldn’t help myself on my own. So I walked into my school counselor’s office one morning and told Ms. Pope* everything.

I felt a huge weight off my chest when I was done. Ms. Pope gave me encouraging smiles and told me everything would be all right. She encouraged me to focus on my dreams and put myself first. Ms. Pope also suggested that I go see my school social worker, Helen*, which I did. Helen told me I could come to her at any time.

I also visited TeensHealth.org, a Web site that gives teens doctor-approved information on all sorts of health issues. The Web site helped me understand why it isn’t good to cut and how cutting will only make you feel worse, not better. The site gave me good tips on how to treat my cutting and depression. One of the ways is to channel my sadness and anger into a sport, which is one reason I like to play soccer. I’ve also been writing music and poems, and I’m finishing my own novel.
I try not to cut myself. So far I’ve only cut once since I talked to my counselor, and I’m getting better. It still pains me to know that I had all this love for David, and he just threw it away. But I’ve come to realize that only I have control over my life, and I shouldn’t let one stupid boy or my family change my life for the worse.

From now on I will see life through my own eyes and no one else’s. I will live life to the fullest and follow my dreams. This new attitude is my relief, and the new start to my life!

This writer is a junior at a metro-Atlanta high school who is writing a novel.

*Names changed