From Bitter to Sweet

By Aubrey Williams/VOX Staff

She smiled at me, pleading for help on her Spanish homework. I smiled back at her. We were in another class — United States History to be precise — and she looked desperate. I guess she forgot Mrs. Carter’s homework again. It only took me a second to make a decision: Of course I’d help her, what are friends for?

“Sure, I don’t mind helping you,” I said. “And I’m glad you asked me.”

She smiled again, grateful for my assistance. She was a sweet girl who had been sweet to me. I’d do anything for a friend.

But that’s not always been true. I was once a bitter person, and I hated to help others. I couldn’t be polite and would rarely smile — unless it was a sarcastic one.

You see, I’ve always been different and have been picked on because of it since I was a little kid. And the people I thought were my friends never failed to show their true colors when we were around other people. They’d stab me in the back and betray me time after time to the point where I didn’t trust anyone.

But after middle school, I decided I no longer wanted to be bitter and hateful. I didn’t want to be this person anymore. The loneliness was eating me up inside. Luckily, high school gave me a chance to make a fresh start and shed this skin I’d been wearing for way too long.

That Was Then
I remember the sharp insults of my classmates from elementary school all the way through middle school. Most judged me quickly, dubbing me a nerd who had no friends and didn’t live for anything else but doing schoolwork and reading books. They didn’t even think I watched TV like normal kids.

They picked on me for the way I dressed; I liked to wear plaid shirts buttoned all the way to the top. “Unbutton your shirt, you look like you’re choking,” they would tell me. They thought it was their job to save me from myself and my evident lack of fashion sense.

Yes, I was different from them — and I still am. I never have liked rap music or gossiping about who’s dating who. I’d rather read Harry Potter books and watch “Jeopardy” and do well in school. Is there really anything wrong with that? I wished I could just be accepted for who I was, not ridiculed for who I wasn’t. Their treatment made me feel bad about myself. I began to grow angry deep down inside, and I kept to myself so that I wouldn’t draw others’ attention.

Most of the friends I had — or rather the people who I thought were my friends — never openly admitted to anyone else that they sometimes hung out with me. Evidently they were embarrassed by me. I remember countless occasions when a so-called friend would outright ignore me in a crowd of our peers. “Hey John!” I’d call out, but I’d get no response. I was never invited to their parties or any group outings. I was simply excluded and cut out of the fun.

Of course, when they wanted something from me — like help with their homework or they wanted to borrow a video game — all of sudden we were best buddies. And outside of school things were different. One-on-one, when no other peers were around, they got along with me fine. But the two separate worlds were tearing me apart inside.

The only way I could cope with what was happening to me was to get angry. I’d get so mad at people that I’d cry instead as my heart and mind struggled to find the right emotion. Of course, that only made people treat me worse. I couldn’t control how I felt and I was afraid to let the emotions out, so I bottled everything up.

Soon the hatred began to course through my veins and I became mean. I’d snap at people for no real reason, using my intelligence — my only real weapon — to cut them down when they bothered me. Sometimes I’d even cuss people out, despite the fact that I thought such behavior was beneath me. People — adults and kids alike — thought I should lighten up, but it was impossible because of all the tension and frustration that had built up inside of me.

This Is Now
Since the zoning was split between the new school, Mundy’s Mill, and Riverdale High School, I was one of maybe 30 teens from my middle school who went on to Riverdale. At the beginning of my freshman year, I decided to make a change — if I didn’t I was going to explode — and this fresh start gave me an excellent opportunity to do so.

I was hopeful that my bitter, isolated persona would disappear and that I could try to be more outgoing and work to make true friends. The plan was to get rid of the old Aubrey, and trade him in for a nicer, more trusting one — the person I knew I was deep down. At the same time, I was also afraid that I would fail; I knew it wasn’t going to be an easy task.

Despite my fears, I made a breakthrough my first day at Riverdale. In gym class, I met Justin, a fellow freshman who also knew few people at our school because he’d been home schooled up until then. We just started talking while walking around the track, and we found out we had a lot in common: interests in video games, Yu-Gi-Oh! and chess.

Later that month, we both joined the chess club, and I went to his house and hung out on occasions. He actually laughed at my stupid jokes and didn’t avoid me at school. I had found a real friend; Justin liked me for who I was. I was happy at this immediate success and kinda surprised that he thought I was cool. It gave me more confidence in making more friends.

By the end of my junior year, I had completely changed. Making friends got easier once I had one or two. It took time and effort, but it was really fun. I found people who were smart, liberal, intellectual, funny, silly, strange and weird. Many were like me, while others were very different. I learned that to find a friend, you have to know where to look. It’s tricky to see sometimes, but those people are right in front of you. They can be sitting behind you in math class, across the lunch room, even in your own neighborhood.

I want to spend my senior year enjoying all the friendships I’ve developed and not being afraid to express myself. I no longer care if the majority of people in my school dislikes my tastes in music or TV, my sense of humor, the way I dress or anything else about me — because I have friends that do like them. I’m so happy and busy now that I simply don’t have time to be sad or lonely or angry.

Aubrey is a senior at Riverdale High.