Lessons in Self Love
Learning to Be Comfortable in My Body

Art by Ricky Riley | VOX Staff

By Veronica Coates | VOX Staff

I’ve always known that girls are supposed to get breasts, but I didn’t know mine were going to be so big or that they would cause me problems.

After my breasts grew to a size D in sixth grade, I began to self-consciously compare mine to other girls’. I was ashamed of what I looked like because other girls my age didn’t have big breasts like mine. I even tried to hide my weight gain by wearing baggy clothes. Those insecurities grew into my teen years, and at first, I had no clue how to get rid of them.

That’s changing for me now. This year, I’ve gone through some things emotionally that have guided me toward being a more confident person. I joined a sorority at school; I got counseling; and I joined this newspaper, VOX, where my voice can be heard. I’m gaining a better outlook on my own beauty through the confidence I see in my friends, in-depth talks about body image, and leadership training that has been instrumental in making me confident. I’m learning that beauty is not only outside covering but who you are on the inside. In order to let that beauty come out, I have to learn to be comfortable with how I look.

Trouble in Paradise
During my childhood years I was considered the tomboy in the family. I was always the girl who didn’t care about getting dirty or roughing it up with the boys. I wasn’t like my younger cousin Tanisha who was all into wearing skirts and dresses. I was very skinny, and I’ve always been short, and even though I ate like a hog, I never really gained weight. But as I got older, the pounds began to start showing in my waistline and bust line. When the weight problem arrived, my self confidence dropped.

I was in my preteens and wanted to feel accepted, but my bust and waist lines prevented that because I never could find clothes that fit nicely. I began wearing baggy clothes hoping that if no one could see my body then I wouldn’t become a target for ridicule. But that was not a deterrent for the vicious comments like, “Hey, she has two bowling balls under her shirt!” I became the type of person who was considered shy and quiet, which made it hard for me to make friends. At times I considered my cautious nature a good thing, though, because I was able to see people for who they were and not just what they presented. Caution was also a shield I used so people wouldn’t hurt me with mean remarks.

The Idea of Self Love
You’re ugly. Your breasts are too big. You have no fashion sense. These are the demeaning things I would say to myself in the mirror. I have always thought of myself as that not-so-pretty girl, but I’ve noticed that as I get older my desire for boys to call me pretty or look at me in a way other than as a friend is growing stronger. To want that kind of attention from boys can be a dangerous feeling for a girl with low self-esteem.

I had no idea that when I got to high school I would really create good friendships, and some of the best comes from my sorority at school. The girls in the sisterhood are all different but we all have the same need: the need to be accepted no matter our economic status, background or looks. My sorority sisters were the ones who told me to shut up when I said I wasn’t pretty. It was hard at first but when people keep telling you that you are beautiful, and you can see the sincerity of what they’re saying in their eyes, you want to try your hardest to start believing it.

One day I was having a discussion with my sisters about loving someone else, when one of our big sisters said something profound.

“Before you can love someone or expect someone to love you, you have to love yourself,” she said. I had been so into other people knowing I was beautiful when I didn’t even believe it myself. So with a little help from some of my mentors, I decided that I needed help learning how to love and appreciate myself.

Searching for a Voice
That help came in the form of a counselor, Jada. All those myths about counselors sitting you on a couch and dissecting your brain like you are crazy are not true. Jada allows me to take the conversation where I want to and she doesn’t force me to talk about things that are uncomfortable. I think the thing that I love the best is being able to talk my problems out with someone who is not going to judge or try to change me. I’ve never had someone to talk to and I find that it’s easier to let emotions come out than to keep them bottled up.

I have been seeing her for about four months now and the discussions that we have are helping me become a more confident person. One discussion stands out. I had gone out on a date with this boy, and later, he felt that we should just stay friends. Being the insecure me, I thought it was because of how I looked. But Jada helped me realize that I expect too much and that I need to be secure in myself before I seek acceptance from others.

Discussions like that make me go deep inside myself to find that beautiful person. But I’m realizing that I don’t always have to dig so deep. Yeah, I cry sometimes, but the reward I get from having the courage to look at myself is so astounding, I can’t help but appreciate the tears. My courage shows me how strong and committed I am to discovering my true self.

Being in Charge
The most recent thing that has provided me with a sense of improved confidence is being “in charge.” I don’t mean as a boss, but as a facilitator. Facilitating is more like being a guide who helps lead an activity. Once, I participated as a facilitator in a workshop here at VOX and my role was to explain a game. That may sound insignificant, but for someone like me who has hardly ever been put in a leadership position, it’s major to be the center of attention, even if only for a couple minutes.

I think this was instrumental in helping me get over my image issues. Instead of focusing on how I looked, I was worried about what to say and how I could help the people who were struggling. My image was still important, but not more than how I helped others.

Fairy Tale Ending
It’s hard to change when all you’ve known is one way of thinking, but all of these experiences have helped change that. Yes, learning to love myself has been hard, but I can’t let that deter me from my goal: learning to be comfortable and confident in my own skin. I know that if I love myself then no one can take advantage of me or disrespect me because I won’t allow it. Beauty is who I am on the inside, and I am truly trying to let that beauty shine outwardly.

Veronica is a junior at Washington High who is looking forward to the many tests she’ll take this year in order to graduate. Oh, what fun!