Lying: My Protective Shield

Art by Tracy Jackson | VOX Staff

By Octavia Fugerson | VOX Staff

Ms. Leyzerzon, may I go to the bathroom?” I asked, contemplating my next move.
“Are you coming back?” she asked, truly worried for me.
“Sure Ms. Leyzerzon,” I replied, knowing I wasn’t.
My ninth grade French teacher took me by my hand and led me outside of the trailer. “You can’t keep skipping my class, Octavia.”
I was ready with my answer. “I did my work Ms. Leyzerzon, isn’t that why I’m here?”
“Why do you have to leave everyday? Are you going and getting in trouble?” she asked.
“No!” I yelled at Ms. Leyzerzon. I took a deep breath as I prepared to tell her the truth for the first time. I didn’t think she would understand, but the words wanted to come out of my mouth. So I told her.
I told her about my troubled life. I told her how once I was done with the work, I was ambushed by my negative thoughts. I told her how my issues of being a new foster child began to suffocate me when I was still. When I was done describing my mishaps and the excruciating pain I endured, she looked at me with moist, sorrowful eyes. I apologized and then walked off.
I went to the track to hang out with my friends, like usual. When I was with them, I didn’t think about my mom not wanting me. I didn’t realize at the time that I was using distractions as a defense mechanism.
Defense mechanisms are unconscious methods of dealing with conflicts. They protect us from uncomfortable or unacceptable self-awareness. Since I used defense mechanisms so much, I wasn’t able to distinguish the truth from the lies. I lost myself, but my interest in psychology saved me. I began to study it and address my compulsive use of defense mechanisms.
My life really changed at a summer camp that my guardian forced me to attend. Camp Mikell taught me to consciously look at life through different perspectives. Once I took hold of the lesson, my eyes were opened. I realized that I had been lying not just to others but to myself.

Rejection
I had been in foster care for a year, and every time case managers visited me I’d tell them the opposite of how I felt. I didn’t tell them that even though I didn’t want to be in foster care, I didn’t want to go home to my mom either.
I didn’t know I was practicing reaction formation until I heard about it in psychology class. Reaction formation is doing or believing the opposite of what I feel. I did that because it was easier to deal with the lie.
“Do you want to go home, Octavia?” my case managers asked monotonously the first couple of times.
“Yes,” I would easily lie while I tried to prevent the negativity of the situations from bothering me. Each time they thought I was going to go home to my mom, they would ask the question more seriously. With each answer, my insides would burn as I froze and prepared for my body to burst. The pain resulted from me suppressing everything. I held on to my answer that I wanted to go home like a mother protecting her baby in a hurricane. Still, I wasn’t able to say that I didn’t want to go home to my mom.

Realization
I started to deny that I could even go home. Denial is refusing to encounter a situation or rejecting reality. I started trying to get my own apartment. The first step I made was researching my options. I found out that I could get emancipated and began working hard for my freedom. Emancipation is a legal process that gives 16 or 17 year olds the legal right to be away from their parents. As I began to behave responsibly and search for jobs and apartments, I started to feel better — although I still wasn’t comfortable with the idea that I simply didn’t want to be home.
My foster mom finally made me realize what I was doing. She noticed my denial and wouldn’t let me get away with it.
“Tay, you need to go out and do what people your age do,” she would whine all the time. She wanted the best for me, and she didn’t feel as though the denial was good for my safety, sanity or health.
“There isn’t anything for me to do.” I’d reply, trying to get around it, like the teen I am. When it was time for me to answer difficult questions like this, I would take my time and pick an answer from my mental list of things to say. It was a habit I couldn’t control. I had so many choices that were true, like I had homework or didn’t feel good.
It was innocent rationalization – so I thought. Rationalizing is when you make a good or logical explanation for something that is wrong instead of the real reason. By not choosing my real reason, I lost my real self.

Rediscovery
I failed to realize who I was and why I was making my decisions. I had to work hard to rediscover myself. After each statement or action I made, I would ask myself why I did it. Then I would try to answer the question to the best of my ability, truthfully. I was willing to go through that because I loved myself.
I began to keep a record of my feelings because it was easier for me to be true on paper. It also allowed me to revisit my feelings. Each time I would visit the record, I had mixed emotions. I was proud because I had evolved, but I was also sad because I seemed so pathetic on paper. The record prevented me from straying away and making the same mistakes.
With hard work and consistency, I eventually became true to myself. It was a struggle. I wasn’t able to just stop, but I was determined. If I do use defense mechanisms now, I am not conscious of it. I can honestly say that I am true not only to everyone but most importantly to me.