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Freaky Top 10 List
By Morgan Gardner / VOX Staff
10. Nicole Richie: You’ve gotta love Nicole, our only alternative to Paris Hilton in the “celebrities who do nothing” category, but she’s basically like a skeletal model that you see in your science lab with a working organ system. I’d be scared to shake her hand because I might break it. As a matter of fact, I’d be scared to breathe on her because she might fall over and snap in half. And then we’d have no “The Simple Life Season 6.” The horror!
9. The ISS room: I don’t plan on getting In-School Suspension any time soon — with good reason. From what I’ve heard it’s like sitting in a communal jail cell where you’ve been left to die from boredom. Meanwhile, your every move is watched by a zombie stand-in teacher who’s there to make sure you don’t pull out a machete and hack everyone to death. Personally, I’d rather be in class.
8. Steroid-Injected Chicken: Fast-foods chains provide us with the biggest chicken legs, breasts and wings ever known to man. Sounds good, right? However, these legs, breasts and wings are so freakishly huge they rival Arnold Schwarzenegger’s physique.
7. The Jackson Family’s Plastic Surgeon: If I ever wanted a little nip or tuck, the last person I’d resort to seeing is the Jacksons’ plastic surgeon. We’ve all seen his work on Michael, who looks more womanly than Carmen Electra and is whiter than Casper. Meanwhile, he, Janet, Letoya and the others all share that same Voldemort nose — you know, just two small slits to breathe through.
6. People Who Still Quote From the Movie “Napoleon Dynamite”: “Napoleon Dynamite” has been over for three years, folks. Sorry.
5. Ice Cream Trucks: Ever since the movie “Candyman,” I’ve been terrified by ice cream trucks, or more specifically, those who drive them. It doesn’t help that there are countless urban myths involving drivers abducting little kids and chopping them up among the Rocketpops and Fudgesicles. I always run in the opposite direction when I hear that telling, tinkling music coming down my street. I mean, c’mon, think about how big those freezers are and how they could keep dead bodies on ice forever without anyone knowing. OK, maybe I’m the only who’s afraid of this.
4. David Blaine’s Street Acts: What isn’t creepy about an attractive man who can literally do anything? He walks down the street turning homeless people’s coffee into money, pulling his heart out of his chest and levitating at will. Who teaches him this stuff? He must have sold his soul to the devil.
3. Photoshop: Yes, I’m scared of a computer program that has the ability to make me look obese, dead or like some household pet at the click of a button. And I’m scared of people who sit in front of their Macs all night making these mutations, and not just because they have God complexes.
2. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals: I have to be fair and say that PETA people are just as scary as the steroid-pumped, fast-food chicken breasts they protest. Eat meat? They’ll throw a tofu pie at your face. Wear fur? They’ll throw fake blood on you. To top it off, somehow they voted that greasy 30-year-old, Hillary Duff-dating dude from Good Charlotte the world’s sexiest vegetarian over Jared Leto. Now that’s scary.
1. Kanye West Losing Every Award He’s Ever Nominated for: This is only because I know that if Kanye doesn’t win some kind of a music award soon, he’s going to explode and tear someone up. I mean, Kanye, the hip-hop voice of our generation, lost a VMA to that guy who sings “You’re Beautiful,” which has to be the most annoying song of our generation. No one takes into consideration that he survived an almost deadly car crash and called out George W. Bush on national TV. Kanye ain’t scared of nothin’, and you know he’s out when the streetlights come on.
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