Falling for Loneliness
Finding happiness in the midst of solitude

Photo Illustration by Willamae Boling | VOX Staff

By Machelle Tran | VOX Staff

I paced back and forth in my bedroom, the Berber carpet almost wearing away from the soles of my shoes. I let out an audible sigh, averting my gaze from the phone, and slumped onto the retro-mod futon tucked away in the nook of my bedroom. I had spent a little over an hour waiting patiently for “the call” — the one from any friend with an invite that would give me the right to say I had a social life.

No one called like they had promised, so disappointment settled with me. It was another Saturday afternoon where the day had hinted that I would spend another weekend alone. I really didn’t mind being by myself, but I wanted to go out with friends and have fun. In these few teenage years, we try to find friends who will last and pursue memorable moments to call our own. But friends come and go, and even knowing that, we never want to feel alone.

The Self-Entertainer
During class, I used to hear girls and guys talking about their wild weekend parties or group dates at the local movie theater. I wanted to belong. and couldn’t help but feel bad for myself because my social life was turning out so badly. Countless times my peers have asked about my social life after school. I’ve answered by talking about how much I favor spending hours in meditation, listening to music, reading and writing. After hearing my response, they’ve expressed their disappointments with groans and sighs. Some have even ignored me or politely tipped off that I should get out more. At the time, I didn’t know my honesty would push my peers away from me.

I don’t understand why teenagers cannot be comfortable spending time by themselves. I’ve always been accustomed to spending time alone. In my early childhood, my father’s wages could not support us, so my mom abandoned her role as a stay-at-home mother and went to work. My parents left for work early in the morning, and I would only catch a glimpse of them at night. During the day, my older brother, Andy, and I spent most of our time entertaining each other with games. We played hide-n-seek, ding-dong-ditch and super-soaker wars, and we went on small adventures into the woods behind our apartment. There were many times we could have gotten into trouble as unsupervised minors, but with Andy’s charisma and my soaring imagination, there wasn’t anything we couldn’t put past police officers. We learned to entertain ourselves.

Illusions for Company
I didn’t see loneliness as a con of life when I was younger. But by middle school, I had become the stereotypical anti-social. I could not relate to peers of my race, nor did I fit into any other crowd. Many times, I ate lunch in the restroom because I had no friends. Secretly, I even had a phobia of crowded and new places. Being painfully shy did not help me, either.

During my preteen years, I was a typical adolescent with normal clothes, a normal life, normal … everything. So with all this “normality” and conformity to society’s agenda, I must have been doing OK, right? Unfortunately, I had become too comfortable with my own company early on, and that made it extremely difficult for me to relate to others. At times, I even tried to talk to my peers, but there was always a void keeping me from letting them get too close. I didn’t want to make a friend and then be rejected in the long run.

Still, I had miraculous hopes of high school changing my life. I pictured everything I had seen in the movies: the cliques, the parties and the drama. I wanted to see my life in a dramatically different way — with new changes and new beginnings — but when I entered high school, I was hit hard by reality. Menacing textbooks, nights of constant studying and months of fretting replaced my fantasies.

Becoming Disenchanted

As I matured, I started to see the world for what it is. At the end of my sophomore year, I sifted my thoughts to find what really mattered in life. I had to create my ideal life, which was to feel self-accepted and to be welcomed by my peers. With time, I’ve learned to accept myself for who I am, and I’ve gained self-confidence by making the effort to become more extroverted.

For the first time, I have made a handful of close friends. When it comes to friendship, I believe quality matters over quantity. I’ve observed many of my peers go from having an abundance of so-called friends to having none at all because they did not take time to choose friends who really care. Through many failed friendships, I find that it’s the true friends who really matter.

Even though I value my friends and enjoy their company, I know not to depend on them to make my life productive and to find happiness. It will do us well to develop self-sufficiency and independence while we’re young. Today I am a walking nightmare with bright, hot pink hair, almost lost in a sea of black vests, corsets, suspenders and trousers purging into the androgynous look. I can spend hours contemplating existence while I stare blankly at my ceiling and care about nothing other than the outcome of the following school day. My plans with my friends are made at the last moment, and they always change.

I used to believe I was seriously anti-social. I considered it odd that I don’t get bored, but then again, I can entertain myself by cleaning, baking or just thinking. Now I believe we’re only as bored as we make ourselves. I realize that all along, anti-socialism and my obsession with loneliness never existed, but my independence and self-sufficiency always has.

Machelle is a junior at Cross Keys High who hopes to get her Alpha Romeo soon.