Living the Unlived
How I Found A Reason to Live

Photo Illustration by Machelle Tran and Sage Nenyue | VOX Staff

By Machelle Tran | VOX Staff

I used to picture myself on a lonely night, riding down a quiet road on a sports bike. On the other side of the two-lane road, a semi-tractor is heading toward me. Right before the truck passes me, I drive head-on into the semi. I imagined it was a perfect way to die. At the time, I didn’t care that my family’s hearts would break and that I would leave so much sorrow behind.

As far as I can remember, the thought of dying was never far from my mind. At 5 years old, I came close to killing myself with my first concept of death: vermin powder and a glass of water. That day, I entered my mother’s bedroom, took the small packet of powder wedged between several books on her desk and headed toward the kitchen. I filled a glass with water and went back to my mother’s bedroom, where I held the powder in one hand and the glass in the other. My plan was to mix the two, and as I gulped the bitter truth, I would embrace death through poison.

No one knew I was suicidal. As young as I was, I had been feeling worthless and unimportant. I believed that by dying, I would no longer be a burden to my family and to the world. I can’t recall what kept me from ending my life back then, but I didn’t. I put the glass down and threw the powder away. Then I locked myself in my bathroom and cried for hours.

I was born into a family where love and support weren’t shown enough, and as I grew older, I felt emotionally disabled. I was so desperate for my parents’ love that I became sensitive to their actions. When my parents praised me, I was the happiest person alive. When they ignored me, I looked for ways to escape. Often, I considered suicide. I wanted to know that my family loved me. Without their love, I felt incomplete. Though my family’s love is still something I crave today, I refuse to take the easy way out or run away from my problems. It’s up to me to mold my life, and I am using this new mindset to my advantage.

Dysfunctional Family/Life
When I was in middle school, I used to walk down a narrow road that led to my house. I had developed a habit of deep thinking during my 10-minute walk home. One day in particular, it was freezing and the road was icy. I folded my hands across my chest and exhaled light, short breaths to keep the warmth inside my body. Then the voices came.

You’re going to die and you know it. No one cares, no one wants to care — so why are you still here?

“I don’t know,” I muttered under my breath, as thoughts ricocheted against the walls of my mind.

Life was not going well. My mom had broken her leg a month before, and she had just been discharged from the hospital. I wasn’t sure if she’d ever work again. My dad had also left his job. Knowing he was the main provider in our home, he threatened to watch our family go downhill since we’d slowly lose all of our money. It was pathetic. I could only go home, turn on the heavy metal music and hope the madness would all go away. I felt as if I had no control over my life.

My Breaking Points
Change started to come one day when I ran out of my house to a spot where my friend was waiting for me. My family had gotten into another argument, and I was caught in the middle of the turmoil once again.

“No one cares about me,” I shouted out and continued to curse the world for my suffering. “You see how my mom and dad are? When is it all going to end? I’ll just kill myself and get it all over with.”

I didn’t expect my friend to grab me by the shoulders and shake me to the point where I was about to black out and feel nauseous, but he did.

“Machelle, you don’t know what it’s like to not have anything to live for,” he said in righteous anger. “You have your family and a future. Go out there and make a difference. Do it for the ones who can’t. As your friend, I really care.”

I’ll never forget how hurtful the truth was. His words shot through me like shards of ice. Those very words were the dose of reality I needed all along to help me find the courage to live. His encouraging words played a part in helping me to start dreaming again. I began to imagine my future with a daughter I’ll name Echo. I began to think about using my artistic talents to direct films and write screenplays and fiction books.

Each day is new beginning for me. There’s so much I can do for the world and for myself. It has taken a lot of time for me to be in this positive state of mind. Before, I felt as if I had nothing to live for so it was easy for me to give up. I have found many reasons to live, and I do not want to cause pain and suffering for those I love. I am living for a better day, for a better future.

I want my family to wait 10 years, and they will see that I have always meant well and loved hard. I wish for my friends to fall back once in a while to find me there behind them. My writing is here and my films will be in the future. Today I have my self-worth and I am pursuing my ideal life. I know I exist to inspire the uninspired, to live the unlived life because the greatest challenge of all is not overcoming the fear of death, but the fear of living.

Machelle is a junior at Cross Keys High.