Tuning Out Music, Tuning into Life

By Lynda Bourne | VOX Staff

Art by JoJo Yowpp and Lynda Bourne| VOX Staff

I have been in love with music since I was a baby. My beloved is on from sunrise til long after the sun sets in my home. It’s helped me through tough times, like studying for tests, painful breakups, parents fighting and when my sister got really sick when I was about 15. I used to think that music helped me focus, but I’ve come to realize that I use it more as a crutch. Music distracts me from my own unhappiness and allows me to hide from my pain and anger. I wanted to see what my life would be like without the soundtrack. So this fall, I decided to turn the music off.

Day 1
It’s day one of my sacrifice, and it’s already hard. I want to listen to music so badly but I can’t. When I went to VOX, people were listening and singing along. I tried so hard not to join in and asked them to please turn their music down. I told them about my experiment and they understood.

It was worse when I came home. I went to my neighbors’ house, and our families were watching “Sister Act 2,” which has nothing but music in it. My mom and her friend went grocery shopping, and I went with them. Of course, there was music playing in the car. Even though I told my family about giving up music, they didn’t help me keep my commitment. I thought they would, but they continued to listen to music as usual. I felt a little hurt, but I realized that it wasn’t their responsibility to see to my needs – it’s mine.

I have so many songs in my head, but I am trying not hum or sing them. Going to sleep is going to be the worst part because usually I have my little radio on. I know it’s going to take me a while to fall asleep. This first day has been agonizing; hopefully tomorrow will be different.

Day 2
Today is Sunday. My family was watching one of my favorite Bollywood films (Indian musicals). When the best song in the movie came on, I put my fingers in my ears, but it did not help. I still wanted to sing along and dance. Finally, I just went to my room until the movie was over. Thinking back about it now, it would have been much easier for me if I hadn’t been in the room at all.

When I went into the dining room for lunch, my sister was listening to the radio and slowly I felt a desire in my heart to sing along with her. I remembered that I promised I would sacrifice music. So I ate my food quickly and returned to my room to finish my homework. I thought doing homework would distract me, but it didn’t work. I began to hum to all the songs that were in my head. The second day wasn’t any easier. I regret my decision to avoid music, but I’m sticking to my commitment.

Day 3
It’s my first school day without music, and it’s not going very well. My sister’s musical alarm woke me up and at the bus stop, the kids had their mp3 players and cell phones playing loudly.

First period was not that hard, although my first period teacher does listen to music in class from time to time. Second period was a piece of cake because all I did was my classwork, so I had no time to even think about the music in my head. Third period was the worst because I have Chorus and all we do is sing songs and listen to music. That was the hardest part of my day. I explained to my chorus director why I wasn’t participating in class. He understood my reasons and wished me luck. He said that he could never do it. I couldn’t wait to get out. I left the class as soon as they started singing. At lunch I told my friends about my sacrifice, and they all looked at me like I was crazy. Fourth period I had a computer class, which was a breeze.

At last, it was time to go home. When I got home, my sister was listening to the radio again, so I decided to eat my dinner early and just stay in my room for the rest of day. My parents weren’t really paying much attention to me, as usual, but I know if they were, they would have made a big deal about the sacrifice. I couldn’t even do any homework because my mind was so focused on what I was missing.

The desire in my heart then became something more painful. It became emptiness the sadness that I keep bottled up from my friends and family, my unhappiness with my life. Yes, I admit I am unhappy, and I wish that things were different in my life. I’m not happy because I feel like my parents ignored me and put my sister’s needs before mine.

I can’t believe after all these years, I’ve finally realized why I don’t smile the way I used to. Realizing that is the greatest feeling in the world to me.

Day 4
My heart is crying out at me to listen to music, but I still refuse. I spend the whole day thinking about music and its meaning to me and my life. Chorus is still unbearable. I feel lonely, incomplete and lost without my music. I really can’t wait until this week is over, yet it seems to be going by so slowly. The days seem longer and quieter without my beloved music. I am determined to make it through this even if I’m miserable.

Day 5
Only two more days left, and I’m anxious. Being without music this long is utterly intolerable. Without music, my emptiness has begun to spread.

My thoughts aren’t foggy and filled with songs. Usually when I’m trying to think about something important, a song pops into my head and I forget my original thought. Now I realize that music also distracts me from things that are important. It distracted me from admitting the truth behind my unhappiness.

Music has kept me from realizing who I am without it. I am sad, lonely, and a little bitter even though I have so many people around.

I have begun to think about what music really means to me and why I love it so much. Music is always there for me and it never leaves me. It is my shoulder to cry on and it doesn’t try to hurt me. In the quiet of my thoughts, I realize that, unlike music, my friends and family aren’t always there for me when I need them the most.

Day 6
It’s the day before my last day, and my anxiety is increasing. I have this desperate desire to give up and listen to music just for a minute or two. I’m so happy this is almost over, but I must admit this has been a learning experience.

I’ve learned that music will always play a big part in my life. It helps me feel connected to my friends because we all love listening and talking about music. I don’t feel left out when I have music in my life because I know that everyone listens to music. Music helps me feel like I belong.

Day 7
Finally the last day is here, and I can’t wait for tomorrow morning to come. My anxiety is at an all-time high, and it’s suffocating me. When will this day end already? I feel like I’m slowly dying without my beloved. I now know for sure that I’m not 100 percent ready or even close to being able to give up my addiction. I need music everyday, every hour, and every minute of the day. I still can’t believe I went through a whole week without the one thing I love more than anything. This has been a long journey, but well worth it. I learned so many things about myself and my family. Music is what we have in common.

What I Learned
I’ve realized that I hide my unhappiness by listening to music. It clouds my thoughts and though I know that I can’t always depend on music, it helps me survive. Music distracts me from my stress from school, parents and friends. With music I’m very happy and relaxed. Without it, I have trouble focusing on what I want and can’t stop thinking about what I don’t want. But I’ve learned how to deal with the silence. I’m so grateful for this experience because it has changed me for the better. And I still love music.